I’ve just finished watching a documentary by BBC Wales presenter Rowena Kincaid who sadly passed away from Breast Cancer a couple of weeks ago. Before I Kick the Bucket: The Whole Story has been shown again on the BBC in Rowena’s memory. I found her documentary so touching and her story really resonated with me. She describes her thoughts and feelings so articulately.
I often lay awake at night thinking about cancer, how it has affected my life and all the things I’m yet to achieve. I hate the cancer has control of my life, like a ticking time bomb just waiting to explode.
People say when a person is first diagnosed they go through 5 stages of grief:
I feel as though I jump from one to the other on almost a daily basis, perhaps denial is healthy? Surely its always easier to pretend things aren’t happening than deal with the consequences?
Over the past few years I’ve often thought about the things I want to achieve before I die, and before my quality of life decreases dramatically. I tend to block these thoughts out after a while in fear of falling into a state of depression.
Each day I feel I’m getting closer to death, in honesty I’m dreading my health going down hill and having to rely on help from others 24/7. Even though I know it’ll be soon I don’t feel like its become any easier as time has moved on. I’ve been constantly receiving some form of treatment for over 2 years now, but I know I cannot stop as its what is keeping me alive. Nowadays I am in a position where surgery is no longer a viable option, my cancer has spread to multiple places in my body, I simply cannot sit and do nothing.
The bottom line is I have a terminal illness, there is no Stage 5. Medical advances and new treatments are being developed, but I’m not sure how much longer I can stay one step ahead of this race.
I need to figure out what I want to do Before I Kick the Bucket.