I’ve been finding it very hard to relax over the last few weeks, I seem to be getting more anxious about my treatment as time goes on. Perhaps it’s because the festive season is fast approaching and In previous years I’ve be very unwell around Christmas time. I think it has a lot to do with not knowing how long the treatment will work for, yet again I feel as though I’m living my life in three month cycles, uncertain as to what might lie ahead of me in 2017. I’m also due another PET CT scan at the end of January, which I know will come around quickly.
I worry a lot about the future and the ‘What If’ scenarios, despite knowing that my circumstances are completely out of my control. I wake up from sleeping on a nightly basis, I do my best to focus on work and social activities during the day, so it all seems to come to a head late at night. I worry about bad things happening to my family and friends, which is also irrational, but unsurprising considering the bad luck I’ve had over the past few years.
A few months ago, when I began recieving Pembrolizumab I wrote my will. I’m the sort of person who likes to be in total control so felt like I neeed to write a few things down which would make the whole process easier. I used the discounted will writing service through Macmillan which was really useful. I have very little in terms of assests, but it gave me peace of mind knowing I’d done my bit. At the moment I haven’t given any instructions about my funeral because I don’t want to think about it yet, I’m also not sure what I’d want for my own farewell, is anyone ever sure? I keep telling myself that despite being only 29 years old it’s a sensible move and realistically everyone should make one. I think since then my situation has really hit home.
I’ve been trying to find ways to relaxing and I’ve been using the Headspace app over the past couple of weeks. I received a subscription when I signed up with Trekstock back in September. There are so many options on the app, they’ve recently added a new 30 session pack for cancer which I’m going to try out, as well as reading before I go to sleep. Usually, I end up spending the last 30 minutes before I go to bed looking at my phone and shopping for things I don’t need online. It’s really important that I make sure I get some headspace and down time so I don’t drive myself crazy overthinking everything and worry about every little ache and pain, so I need to make some adjustments to my routine.
I know I’m strong, I have to be in this game, but daily life is also totally exhausting, its relentless and can be really hard work. I’m very lucky that I’m responding to Pembrolizumab, but it’s more the fear of not knowing what the future holds. Currently there isn’t another treatment I can have on the NHS, so I’m fearful of what happens if the drugs stop working. I don’t know in that’ll be tomorrow or in 5 years. With everything feeling uncertain I’m putting on a brave face 24/7 and it sometimes becomes too much to deal with. Hoping some new relaxation techniques will make me feel better.