Over the years I have been in a constant state of denial about my health, I guess I’ve always felt that accepting my diagnosis means I am no longer willing to fight for my life. I touched on these feelings in one of my earlier blog posts, Before I Kick The Bucket and I feel the time is right to talk (or write) about this topic again in a bit more detail!
Lately I’ve been finding it even harder to switch off knowing my next scan date is around the corner. I often lay awake at night thinking about my illness; sometimes I can’t believe it’s actually my life. When I’m proofreading my blog posts it feels like I’m reading another person’s story, not my own.
The bottom line is I am scared about what the future holds.
I try to live as normally as I can and not fear the future, I try not to think about being a stage 4 cancer patient, and refuse to accept this is my life. For the most part it works for me, as I feel stressed when I think more deeply about how my illness has affected my choices in life, and the future I may or may not have.
I grieve for all the things I’m yet to achieve, and probably won’t achieve in this life. I hate that cancer will always be in control of my life and I have no say on how things will pan out. Although it’s given me a different perspective on things, I still feel angry about what I won’t have the chance to experience. I’m standing at the edge of a vortex, waiting to be sucked in at any given moment without warning.
Thanks to cancer I no longer feel bulletproof.
In many ways I am still the same person but ultimately I no longer have the same outlook the 17 year old Jolene did. Part of that is growing up but it’s also the harsh reality of the world I now live in.
I am all too aware that I focus on the things I cannot do, rather than on the things I can do. I know this is to my own detriment and I do I need to learn to accept it and move on, but it is very hard. I don’t just mean this in a physical sense, but in all aspects of my life. I am fragile and in so many ways I am a million miles away from the person I was before cancer took control of my life.
I always think “If I had known then what I know now, I would have done this or that differently”. I often dwell on the fact that there are some choices I would make differently if I had my time again, but who knows if it would have actually been any different. For example, I’d like to think I would have gone travelling but maybe I’m just not a backpacking kind of girl!
I’m scared I will not grow old
They say life begins at 30, or could it be 40? I’m approaching 30 later in the year, and I’m not really sure how I feel about it. On the one hand I’m so happy to have made it this far all things considered but as my friends and I have grown older I’m now becoming increasingly aware of how different things are becoming. Everyone seems to be moving on into the next phase of life and doing the adult thing and I’m still living in a constant state of limbo. I am not dating, getting engaged and married, buying a house, or having children. I see these as things which just aren’t possible. My friends would say this isn’t the case at all, and they are probably right, but I can’t help but feel like the odd one out. I feel like cancer has robbed me of the chance to experience all of these things, but I also feel like I don’t meet the expectations of society. Why do we all feel like if we haven’t achieved certain goals by particular points in our life that we are unsuccessful? It’s crazy really. What is success?
Given my prognosis it’s unlikely I will grow old, I find thinking about the future a huge challenge. I don’t have a five year plan; I’ve got a life limiting illness, so when I join in conversations and think about long term forward planning I find it extremely difficult. Of course, that’s not anyone’s fault and I know I need to learn to deal with this but each time I seem to be moving forward something happens which shatters my world and I have to start picking up the pieces again. I just want to stay well for as long as possible. Thinking about myself as an old woman is the stuff dreams are made of!
I’m scared I will be in Pain
My biggest fear is being in pain. At the moment I’m suffering a little but this is nothing compared to how I’ve felt over the years, in particular before and after both my bowel operations. There have been times when I have been in an indescribable amount of pain for days on end. I wouldn’t wish that kind of suffering on my worst enemy, and I never want to feel that way again. I can only Imagine what child birth must feel like!
I’m scared for my family
Undoubtedly over the years my illness has had a huge impact on my family. My biggest fear is not what happens to me, it’s what happens to them when I’m gone.
I want see my younger siblings grow up, become adults and spread their wings. I want to be with them through every milestone, celebrate every success and learn from every failure, but I’m not sure I see myself there.
I worry who’s going to look after my family. I want to be there to comfort them and tell them everything will be OK. Who will be there for them in their darkest hours when they can’t cope anymore? It won’t be me. I have experienced grief in recent years and the pain is still so real. What I wouldn’t give for more time with my wonderful Nan and Grandad. I hate the thought of my family going through that pain and not being able to comfort them. In some ways I get the easy way out, when my life ends I will be away from it all but my family won’t be, they have to live with that for the rest of their lives. Life is cruel.
I’m scared I will never fall in love
It’s hard to comprehend thinking about relationships when I feel as though I am standing at death’s door. I never let myself think about meeting a man and developing feelings of some sort. As my friends know well, I have huge barriers up when it come to matters of the heart, I’m not one to open up which is probably why I’ve been unsuccessful so far. Having not met anyone at university and then being diagnosed less than four months after graduating, my outlook on relationships and dating has completely altered. I think if a man paid me a compliment I wouldn’t know what to do!
If I were to meet a guy at what point am I meant to let me guard done and explain that I have stage 4 cancer? I’m guessing not at the start, it doesn’t exactly feel like the right kind of ice breaker to me. I am pretty sure they would run a mile! In many ways I am scared of being rejected but perhaps I’ve just not met the right man yet?
I have resigned myself to the fact that I will never be loved or fall in love with someone. I just don’t think I could do it, how can I act like I can offer someone a future when I feel I don’t have one? I will have regular treatment for the rest of my life and frankly I don’t think I could ever ask another person to take that on, and frankly I’m not sure I deserve it.