In October last year I was one of twelve participants interviewed for a documentary about people living with a terminal illness. The documentary, A Time to Live explores the question of what would you do if you were told you had a terminal diagnosis and may only have months to live?
For so long I’ve had to face the uncertainty of a Stage 4 cancer diagnosis. I often wonder Why me? Why now? Did I contributed to this? Did I do something wrong? Is there a way I can change the final outcome?
I haven’t yet fully accepted my diagnosis, and I don’t think I ever will. For me, this something that is an ongoing struggle to accept, but I’m determined to take something positive from it all. This is partly why I started a blog after all.
Blogging is a process which has helped me be more open about my feelings, and I believe it has also helped my friends and family have a clearer understanding of how I feel about my life ans all its challenges. I also hope my writing has helped other people who may be in similar shoes. For such a long time I thought I was on my own, it turns out thanks to the World Wide Web that I am not. There are plenty of other people, both young and old going through an equally challenging time who are also living their life to the fullest. Isn’t that what you would do?
During the filming I talked about my thoughts and feelings on having cancer and how I deal with the knowledge I have a limited time left on this earth. At 29 It is often hard to believe that my impending death will be much sooner than others. I have no control on the outcome and when that might happen. Do I wish I didn’t know? Yes.
A few years ago I would never have dreamed of being involved with a charity such as Trekstock or being part of something so public as a documentary. Participanting in this has allowed me to talk about my diagnosis in such an open way. I may have a drama degree but I am very much a behind the scenes type person! I spend my time organising interviews for others rather than being the one who gets interviewed. My friends and I frequently send documentary recommendations to each other, so it feels bizarre to on the other side of things, Its the sort of thing I would tune in to watch! alongside programmes such as 24 Hours in A&E, Child of Our Time and anything Louis Theroux does (who doesn’t love a bit of Louis).
The documentary crew filmed me having my eyebrows tattooed and hanging out with some of my friends as well as filming me at work. Its these seemingly ordinary activities which have helped keep me sane, especially since starting active treatment in September 2015. Cancer has became my whole life, not just an inconvenient visit to the hospital every three months, but something that effects my life every single day. I am however a glass half full person, and I hope this comes across in the film.
On that note I’ll shortly be heading away for a few days to Prague, while I still have time to live! Please do tune in if you can, I’m sure it’ll be interesting viewing. You can watch my TV debut A Time to Live on BBC2 on Wednesday 17 May at 9pm.
Huge thanks to Sue and the amazing team that put it together.