Letting My Hair Down

It has been almost a year since I began taking iv drug Pembrolizumab to help keep my cancer at bay. When I first began systemic treatment back in 2014 my hair and eyebrows fell out and then my hair took on a new afro like texture. I documented this expereince last year in my blog posts Eyebrow Tattoos and Hair Envy.

Since I began Pembrolizumab exactly one year ago my hair has started to grow back slowly, this is because hair loss isn’t a side effect of this particular drug, but after having covered up for two years, next week marks my (hopefully) permanent departure from wig wearing. I am currently sporting an unruly short hair style somewhere between pixie crop and a graduated bob, but I decided to take the plunge and am due to have hair extensions fitted next week. The texture, colour and thickness have all come back,  I just need to add to the length. I have a short hairstyle once before after I had a crainitomy to remove a brain tumour in 2010, it did suit me, but I really miss my long hair. Wearing a wig for hours on end, particularly in the summer months can get really uncomfortable, so I am really excited about the freedom hair extensions will give me. I can’t wait to wake up and not have to think about my hair.

The heartache of loosing my hair is something I wasn’t prepared for, or even something I will get over anytime soon. Having to wear a wig has become part of my daily routine however, it also completely striped me of my confidence, despite being my new normal. Although growth has made it easier over time, I still wear a wig in public most of the time and would never consider going to work without covering my head. As a female loosing my hair was one of the worst  things that could have happened, because it made me feel the exact opposite, unfemale. When I looked in the mirror I saw someone who wasn’t really me anymore, but a cancer patient. It has made me stand out (not in a good way!) and feel ugly.

I know that getting hair extensions doesn’t mean I am suddenly going become self assured and confident about my appearance, there are no photographs of my bald head or short chemo affected hair in existence, which I think speaks volumes about my feelings on the matter. Most of my friends know I used to love taking photos when out and about, but this experience mean my outlook has changed. Paying a visit to the hairdressers marks another key step forward for me in dealing with my diagnosis, and perhaps over time I will be letting my hair down once again and not worry about what others think.

Sometimes it feels as though people think that because I am facing cancer that for some reason I no longer care about seemingly small or trivial things like what they think about the way I look. If anything it has made me more anxious, angry and upset.

I’m sure there are some women who would be comfortable and confident with having a bald head, however I am guessing there is a tiny minority who would be ok with hair loss from cancer treatment. I know I am not one of them. The past two years have been a mental and emotional journey, I tried to rock a shaved head and a variety of headscarfs but my locks were part of me, so losing them was a horrid experience. Yes, It is a small price to pay for life extending treatment, that goes without saying, but it doesn’t mean I should be happy about it!

Oddly, I am now feeling anxious about ditching the wig altogether. People may wrongly assume that treatment has come to an end and I am cancer free, but as it stands I am continuing having Immunotherapy every three weeks. I am now a stage 4 patient with hair, which is better than not having any, so onwards and upwards in a way.  I’m sure I will get used to it in a few weeks. I know there is every chance my hair might fall out again in the future, so if it does happen then hopefully I’ll feel more prepared.

I’m looking forward sporting a new shorter summer hair style and eventually feeling more like my old self. It’s a lot of money but hopefully it’ll be worth it. 

 

8 thoughts on “Letting My Hair Down

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