A Never Ending Cycle

I was fortunate enough to get stable scan results a couple of weeks ago following my most recent PET CT scan. It goes without saying that this is of course fantastic news, but I’ve not been feeling on top form for a little while. Having good scan results doesn’t automatically take away any of the pain or treatment side effects I’ve been experiencing, If anything, it probabaly feels worse.

I’ve had an annoying cold for about nine weeks, which has been really frustrating, but I’m hoping I am now rid of it thanks to a course of antibiotics.

My emotions have been very up and down, this weekend marks the start of a very busy summer, including hen do’s, weddings, short trips away and various other birthday celebrations. I love hanging out with my friends, however sometimes it can feel overwhelming. On the surface it seems as though everyone around me has a perfect and exciting life with a huge future ahead of them, and it’s all around me at the moment. It’s a horrible situation as I feel like I don’t have that, we’re not all running the same race, and I feel like life has let me down.

I’ve been feeling low and generally unwell which is difficult. On the surface it seems as though everyone around me is on cloud nine and I’m gloomy all the time, but I can’t help it. I’m feeling a bit sorry for myself at the moment, so need to shut myself away, but there is so much going on I haven’t had any time.

Everyone around me seems to have their future mapped out for them, and in total contrast I have serious lack of direction in my life. I am failing at living a grown up life. The only thing that’s certain for the future as it stands is that my treatment will continue in order to keep me alive. Thinking about that long term gets me down. If it stops then that signals the end, and I’m scared about what lies ahead. Yes, my scan results were good but I still have a relentless cycle of treatment every three weeks. In six months it could be a very different story, it is something I panic about when I’m lying in bed late at night and I end up having broken sleep and headaches. The ‘What If’ scenarios are very scary, they aren’t actually irrational thoughts which is the most difficult part. I have so many questions that nobody has the answer too. I am due to go abroad on two major holidays next summer but every time I get excited another part of me worries more and more and all the changes that could happen over the next 12 months. I am scared to think about plans unless there are about a month in advance because I don’t want to let people down.

I’m petrified when I think of the future, but I know it’ll pass. I feel like I just get used that things and then in a flash another theee months fly by and I will be worrying about my next scan.

Someone once suggested to me that I have a treat every three weeks when I go for Immunotherapy so I have something positive to focus on rather than worrying about having the treatment. It could be something like getting my nails done or going to the theatre, or even just buying myself something nice. I’d most likely do some of the activities anyway, but could be a good way of shifting my focus to something more positive.

On a brighter note I had hair extensions fitted last weeks and they look amazing, just like my own hair used to look. Such an amazing feeling not having to wear a wig.

7 thoughts on “A Never Ending Cycle

  1. You’d not be human if you didn’t experience the full range of emotions available whilst undergoing treatment. As ever, I’m struck by your remarkable honesty & I really hope your friends understand.

    Brian x

    Sent from my iPhone


    Liked by 1 person

  2. Jo – thanks again for sharing your story 🙂 Sometimes it seems as if you are ‘talking’ to your blog over a cup of coffee. Perhaps that is why it has such natural flow. When you ‘talk’ to your blog, know there are people here ‘listening’ to you. Your openness and the fact that you publish and share this makes it a very special read. So imagine this…. I am sending you an amazing virtual hug! I really hope you can shift that cold soon. You seem to lead a really busy life… and as you say, a busy summer ahead. Don’t stop sharing. Pete

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Your honesty is compelling. It does seem so unfair that you were struck with this disease at such a young age, and I’m not going to offer any platitudes (because they’re meaningless to me). I hope and trust you do find meaning in what’s happening to you, and know that your writing is inspiring and a gift. Also, so glad the hair extensions worked!! That’s got to feel good.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Hey Jo,

    I get what you mean about social media, there’s nothing like taking a break to reconnect with yourself and assess where you want to be without letting other people’s lives influence your mood and your outlook.
    For that reason I know many people who choose a life without Facebook, without Twitter and without Snapchat!
    I’ve never really understood the purpose of the latter 2, and I work with tech all the time.
    Know that whenever you are having a duvet week there are at the very least 10% of the population doing it with you.
    I have no problem admitting I spent a full weekend watching Power on Netflix 2 weeks ago (fully recommend that show by the way) and I did so because I just didn’t feel like going out or being around people.
    Do you know what, I felt much better afterwards and fully recharged mentally and socially.
    As I often say to myself and my friends. Ride out the 🌊
    Much love xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Laura,

      Yes, you’re right. I am often guilty of comparing myself to others which does me no favours whatsoever. You’ve made me feel better about the duvet days already – thank you x


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