What Could Have Been

Since writing my last blog post, Life Through A Lens, I had a week long break from social media, and I feel so much better for it. Now I am focussing on my summer rather than what other people are doing. In a few days I will be heading up to Edinburgh to enjoy the fringe festival. I went last year for the first time and had a great weekend.  Despite the fact that I am a Drama graduate, I had never been before, so when the chance came to go again I couldn’t turn it down. I have been pretty easy going about the trip and have left it down to others to organise, so am looking forward to sampling what the festival has to offer for 2017. I love to travel and the fringe combines a lot of my favourite things; travelling, theatre, sightseeing and eating out.

My first ever experience of the city of Edinburgh was during my failed attempt at starting university back in 2005, which I wrote about in my original blog post 11 Years. Since that disastrous week I went back in 2008 with a friend from University, and then again in 2016. I love the city, however being there last year struck a chord with me.  If It wasn’t for finding out that I had melanoma, I would have studied there for three years, and who knows where that path may have led to? It is a question I ask myself a lot, wondering what could have been.

Last summer, on my last day In the city I became very upset and tearful about my situation as recollections of what happened came flooding back to me. At 18, I felt that I had no choice but to have a gap year, since I only found out about my melanoma the day before I flew to Scotland, and I was nowhere near ready to be so far from home with a stage 1 cancer diagnosis hanging over me. I was lucky that one of my sister’s best friends from school had already been there a year when I showed up to study.  She came to see me, finding me confused and upset.  I clearly remember my lightbulb moment, I told her that I wanted to be at home with my family, without bursting into tears. Knowing it was the right choice, I returned to Northamptonshire after just six days, and eventually began the quest for finding a new job. I did not want to return to my previous job working at the cinema, after all people would be sure to ask me questions about the scar on my neck, and why I wasn’t in Scotland. As I had only been working there a very short time I did not feel tied to the job, or have a desperate need to return. I think I was only there for a couple of months.

I feel as though cancer has ruled my life since that initial diagnosis, and subsequently I have chosen paths in life that I wouldn’t have chosen had I been well. I get very upset and sad to think cancer will now always be a part of my day to day existence. It rules my life, rather than the other way around. When last in Edinburgh I felt angry that cancer dictated what happened to me as a young adult, and that impact will never go away. I feel as if it has taken away a lot of my freedom, and limited my choices in life: from where I live (I wouldn’t be able to live anywhere as far away as Scotland these days), to the type of job I have, and the prospects that it offers. Having a part time job means saving money is a non-existent luxury, so I feel limited. Perhaps this wouldn’t be the case if I were able to work more? Who knows?

I can’t help but think about what could have been if I’d been able to stay in Edinburgh to complete my degree. Would I have lived there afterwards? Possibly I may have performed at the fringe myself during my time there. One thing is for sure, it always seems a lot colder up there, so if anything, I guess, that is a bonus!

People often say everything happens for a reason, but I fail to see why this has happened to me. I will never understand why. I hope this year I will enjoy the festival and try not to dwell over lost opportunities and memories I didn’t get the chance to create.

Lastly, I wanted to say a huge thank you to those wonderful friends who contributed towards the  2017 fringe fund for me. My lovely friends set up a collection for my 30th birthday so that I could ‘go big’ at the fringe and it has paid for my all my tickets and spending money, I would have struggled without the funds people so generously donated. Absolutely amazing!

11 thoughts on “What Could Have Been

  1. Not everything happens for a reason. You’re young & it’s completely understandable you feel aggrieved about your compromised choices. I hope you can enjoy the festival & live in the moment. J😘

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  2. I totally agree with Julie. Bad things happen to all people because that’s just the way life is. What helps is to make the best of every situation and learn from every experience. Someone out there is looking up to you for courage and you are a great example. Keep your head up and enjoy the beauty of living each day. I appreciate you so much!❤️

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  3. As always, love your postings JoJo. Look at it another way, if you had stayed in Scotland you would have never gone to Kent. You wouldn’t have met a number of people that became close and good friends. You wouldn’t have had the opportunity to go to the U (that’s right ‘The U’ – it’s a cane thing, you wouldn’t understand). As you said, Edinburgh is cold anyway, it’s fun for the Fringe but the 305 beats the -5… big love! X

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  4. I love your posts and more your courage to just be completely yourself no matter what. I always feel like there is so much I wish I could say in an attempt to help you cope and at the same time cannot think of the right words. You’re wonderful may be the best way to put it.

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