September Sadness

This month has gone very quickly, having been away on an exciting work trip to Japan I am now back in the real world. My three year blogging anniversary took place whilst I was away. The past year has been the most significant as I stopped taking Immunotherapy drug Pembrolizumab, having had my last infusion in December 2018 and my last major surgery during the summer of 2016.

September is also very significant as it marks exactly 14 years since I was initially diagnosed with stage 1 melanoma aged 18. I have now been living as a stage 4 patient for almost 9 years, with the end of next month marking the date I was told my diagnosis was Stage 4 cancer and I had to have two major operations to remove a lung tumour and brain tumour which had been growing inside me during my final year at University.

September is a month full of various triggers and cancer related anniversaries, when I was diagnosed in 2010 I thought I may not make it to 24 or 25, and now I’m 32! I woke up this morning, or in the middle of the night with it being 4am, still jet lagged from my long flight home. My work trip and travelling bubble has well and truly burst. For me, September is full of sadness and so many bad memories which have changed the course of my life forever. In this case i’m not sure if the memories fade or that time heals old wounds, but it really doesn’t feel like it today! My wounds are sore and as raw as ever right now.

I try my best not to think about the more distant future, but no matter how much time passes I still feel like I am looking down the barrel of a loaded gun ever day, being away from London and my ‘normal’ life allows me to switch off a little, and there is a sense hope. Travelling home I started to think about my next long haul trip to America in 2020, and I am trying not to panic that something dreadful will happen between now and then which means I won’t actually go.

I am due a PET CT scan within the next month, and am awaiting a date for my MRI scan too, and will get the results at the start of November. I am starting to worry now that I know the date, particularly with the recent news about the hot spots of my last scan. Today I am full of misery and fear about what could be.

I’ve only been home five minutes but my mind has started experiencing certain triggers that are very distressing. This morning I discovered some hair in the plug hole and I immediately had a flashback from when my hair started falling out about five years ago. September is a month when I think about my diagnosis and the impact it has on my life even more. I really hope October will be easier!

5 thoughts on “September Sadness

  1. Jolene,
    We don’t know each other very well but what l do know is life can be tough to remain hopeful.
    For my part l would like to reassure you that being a faithful guy l often pray for you and indeed light a candle to strengthen you.
    God bless you!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Awww Jolene, it must be so difficult to be positive but you are truly so brave & an amazing young woman. Never give up all the time they are discovering new treatment. My thoughts are with you xxx

    Like

  3. Well Jolene I have been reading your blogs for quite a while now and feel like I am beginning to understand how you think now. You have a very strong determined will and it is this that will get you through to next year and the years after. Keep up the faith. X

    Liked by 1 person

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