I have been pretty quiet on my blog lately, life has become very hectic, the month has flown by, and I simply haven’t had time to check in on here. I Just returned from a wonderful day trip to Manchester, and my precious weekends have also been spent travelling to see friends around the country. Whilst I’ve loved every moment, I think the fatigue has really caught up with me now and I am glad to have made a few less plans over weekends in November and December.
I had a PET CT and MRI scan last week and I am anxiously awaiting the results in early November. Last time I found it difficult to be pleased with my results given I was made aware of two small ‘hot spots’ which appeared on my scan. My Oncologist, who has treated me for over nine years suggested there was no cause for any immediate concern, however I was really thrown by these small spots appearing on my scan! At the time I had been physically well and expected the results to continue to show no evidence of disease (NED), so when I found out I was caught off guard.
A mixture of a cold and burn out has descended and I don’t feel so well in myself as I did prior to my summer scan results, however this may also be because I’ve not been going to the gym much since I returned from Japan in September, and I know I’ve not been going to sleep as early as I should. I probably need to go back to basics, go to bed earlier and do my best to look after myself.
I’m all for the positive mantra and keep telling myself not to worry about the scan results, as ultimately it won’t chance anything, but there is something niggling at me that I can’t shift. I have been distracted since scan day and find myself drifting off into a negative thought cycle about what may be to come.
The waiting game is really stressful, and it doesn’t get any easier with time. I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve been in the oncology waiting room getting ready to speak to a Doctor about my results. I’ve normalised the situation in my head, but it’s really not normal to go thorough this cycle multiple times a year.
Last week I had both my scans within two days of each other which was very anxiety inducing. Once I’ve been cannualated having the scans is easy, it’s the waiting around on the day or for results weeks later that is the worst. I have an MRI scan on my head roughly every six months, as having had a brain tumour one can’t afford to take risks. Praying my noggin is still behaving itself almost 10 years on.
I am fed up of living scan to scan feeling unable to get on with my life, but this is my life now. I hope over time this will continue to get a little easier. By Christmas 2019 I will have been off treatment for a whole 12 months and that is a huge achievement. I will never get rid of the fear around scans, I would love to be able to get the results instantly rather than go through the painful waiting process.