I Can Hear The Bells

No, not wedding bells, but end of treatment bells! A few months ago a bell was installed in my local hospital’s chemotherpay suite. The tradition is that patients ring the bell when they have completed their final chemotherapy treatment, to signify moving on to the next chapter, and the end of a dificult journey, like some sort of graduation ceremony.

The words on the plaque next to the bell read:

Ring this bell
three times well
its toll to clearly say
my treatment’s done
the course is run
and I am on my way!

As this new initiative comes into play I have been hearing the bells more and more frequently on my hospital visits. The idea is that it is a celebration, onlookers cheer and clap to celebrate whilst a person rings the bell after their last round of treatment. Personally, I have found this particulary difficult during my more recent visits; having a stage four diagnosis, and no end date for treamtment means that i’ll be recieving immunotherapy for the rest of my life, so I won’t get that chance to ring the bell…ever!

Part of me understands the process and why it is important, however I’ll be the first to admit that I feel sad and also slightly angry that I don’t get to ring the bell, and can’t help but feel it’s a bit on an insensitive process for those who can’t. Not everyone will make it to the end of their treatment, or like me do not have an end date. If you’re in my shoes no treatment is a sign of impending death, as I cannot live without it.

I often think the ringing of the bell might be a bit premature, some patients may have to return for more treatment in the future, without having had a scan to check the drugs have done the job they were meant to. It seems to early to celebrate something that is so unpredictable, although I’m sure that being able to acknowledge the victory of reaching the end of a cycle is important and empowering to patients, but part of me will always feel it is unfair on those who aren’t able to celebrate in the same way.

I am sure that the bell ringing creates a feeling of positivity and hope for some, and marks the beginning of a new chapter. I can only imagine a life free of treatment and hospital appointments, and having something to symbolise the end of an awful ordeal. Maybe I am being overly negative or sensitive, but If someone rings the bell or not it doesn’t determine if they will go into remission or stay cancer free. Perhaps there are other ways patients can celebrate without it being so public?

I understand that there are now a number of bells in chemotherapy suites up and don’t the UK, and I am sure it is great for many patients and their families. However, I know I am not the only stage 4 patient in this position. No matter how hard I try to stay positive, I know I won’t get to the ring the bell, as I don’t have a future without cancer in my life. Yet again, I can add it to the long list of things I am missing out on.

Back To My Roots

The end of 2017 marked a significant change for me, no longer wearing a wig or having hair extensions, which had been a huge part of my life for the past two and a half years. Hair loss is daunting, heartbreaking and isolating, so I thought I would write a short post that might be useful for those who are currently experience hair loss due to cancer treatment, and are perhaps thinking about wearing a wig. I documented my personal experience with a couple of blog posts, Hair Envy and Letting My Hair Down.

Although I’m so pleased to have my own hair back, the thought I could loose it again with future treatment is never too far from my mind. I started to loose my hair towards the end of 2015 when I first starting taking Vemurafenib, and wore a wig on an almost daily basis for over two years. Due to a change in treatment, last summer my hair had finally grown enough for me to start wearing hair extensions, and I got rid of the wig all together. Sadly I didn’t manage to get rid of the wig before I turned 30, which was my original goal, but so far this year I’m be sporting my own long, curly hair, which is the best gift I could have asked for.

I had my extensions removed late last year before starting a new job. Fortunately a change in treatment has meant my hair is no longer affected by the cancer blasting drugs and my own hair has returned to its natural state. It looks the same as it did before it started thinning and falling out.

As a female loosing my hair was one of the worst  things that could have happened alongside my treatment, because it made me feel so ugly. When I looked in the mirror I saw someone who wasn’t really me anymore, but a cancer patient. Nothing screams I have cancer more than having no hair and eyebrows. When this happened It hit me just how serious my situation was. Now I have my own hair again I feel much more confident, althought the seriousness of the situation will never go away.

I’d read about how most patients loose their hair during treatment, and that when it does come back, it can come back a different colour, or a different texture. I’m lucky that mine has returned to how it was before my hair loss started.

When my hair loss first started I began to use gentle hair products and non-medicated shampoos, conditioners, and body washes, so without parabens. My scalp and skin became very sensitive so I steered clear of my usual go to products. When washing my hair I used gentle strokes and patting motions to clean my hair rather than scrubbing as I would have done previously. I used various products from Aveeno, Timotei (thanks poundland) and Sanex and also cut down the amount I washed my hair, having previously washed it every other day. I have since read that leaving a longer time between washes doesn’t prevent hair loss, but the less time I spent starring at clumps of hair in the bath plug hole the better. My scalp still feels fairly sensitive now I am taking an immunotherapy drug, so I still use the similar products on a daily basis.

I stopped using a hairdryer to dry my hair, instead using a towel, and made sure to rub it very gently. I found it was best to avoid too much heat from hairdryers or hair straighteners, so started going for a more natural look. This goes against everything my Nan said when I was younger, she’d always say leaving hair wet would mean I would catch a cold!

Once I began wearing a wig it became important for it to look as normal and natural as possible. I got two wigs on the NHS via Macmillan Cancer Support, althought I only ever ended up wearing one. It got to a point where it was my new normal, It was only when I took my wig off when I got home in the evening when it really hit me. I would go past a mirror and catch a glimpse of myself and suddenly remember that I was extreamly unwell, and that the drugs I have been taking to keep me alive and try to make me feel better were actually poisoning my body so much that I lost my hair, eyebrows and most of my body hair. I was filled with an overwhelming sadness and I still feel emotional thinking about it.

I knew people would notice when I started wearing a wig, as the style and colour were very different to my natural locks, so getting it cut and shaped by a professional hairdresser was really important, It made me feel more comfortable, as it looked more natural and felt less heavy on my head.

I used a hair brush from Denman specifically desgined for people with wigs or hair extensions, and washed the wig every few weeks in luke warm water using gentle baby shampoo, I was pretty shocked at how much dirt came out!

The best tip I was given was to use a clothes steamer to straighten my wig, it sounds bizarre, but it worked wonders on my wig after weeks of excessive brushing, which sometimes left the ends looking dry and brittle. I bought one from Amazon which helped to give my hair the glossy newly washed look.

I had hair extensions for about six months before it had grown long enough for me to feel happy and confident going back to my roots. It was very expensive, but I justified the cost by thinking about how much money I’d saved from not going to the hairdressers for a cut and blow dry for over two years! I’d reccommend to anyone if they want to speed up the hair growing process. I got too impatient and wanted to feel like I fitted in with everyone else.

I am due a PET CT scan in the next few weeks, which I’m already very anxious about. I’m hoping that pembrolizumab keeps me stable for the foreseeable future, as well as the obvious it would also mean I can continue to enjoy having my own hair again. I always used to want straight hair as a teenager, but nowadays I’m not fussy, I guess it’s one of those things you might not truly appreciate until it’s gone!

Down To Earth With A Bump

I’ve taken a bit of break from blogging over the past month, it wasn’t a conscious decision, but a combination of a new job and various busy weekend activities has meant finding time to sit and write hasn’t been at the top of my agenda. When I’ve had some down time, my priority has been to eat and sleep and generally prepare myself for the next few days ahead.

Generally things have been going well, and I am due another PET CT scan in a few weeks time. However, I was feeling almost on top of things until earlier this week, when an unexpected headache lasting almost four days bought me back to down to Earth with a huge bump. However much I try to push it away, cancer always ends up at the forefront of my mind. It’s a reminder that my cancer will never go away, I will not be one of those patients who gets to ring the bell in the chemotherapy suite at the end of my treatment whilst onlookers cheer and clap, celebrating a successful voyage into a life post cancer. I find that whole process very strange, but I know my headache was a reminder this won’t be me.

There are many reasons for headaches, my suspicions says it was due to not drinking enough water, stress and tension; but another part of me will always fear it’s a reoccurrence of brain metastasis. I know too well that this is not an irrational thought, having joked to friends years before that my symptoms suggested a brain tumour, only to find out a short time later that I was right all along. Usually I like being right, but not then.

Having drank copious amounts of water over the past 72 hours I’m feeling much better than at the start of the week, both physically and mentally.

I’d been panicking a lot over the past few days, I know things could be much worse right now, but I also know I’m not ready to die yet, and the thought of having another brain tumour filled me with fear, most likely making the headache ten times worst. It was a huge reality check. My life is never going to be easy or plain sailing, but I am doing well right now, and I must keep telling myself that. There are so many more things I want to see, do and accomplish in my lifetime, even if it’ll be short. I am not ready to go, death isn’t on my to do list in the near future as far as I’m concerned. I don’t think I’m scared of dying, but worried about leaving others behind.

Now I’ve come back down to Earth with a bump, I’m going to take some more time to rest and hopefully start to feel on good form again, even with my next dose immunotherapy just a couple of days away.

Singles Awareness Day

It is that time of year again, January is over, the new year is in full swing, resolutions have been broken, everyone has been paid again following Christmas, and it finally starts to feel like winter might not last forever after all. Valentines Day is the next celebration on the list in a couple of days. For some it’ll be a big deal; It’s a time when shops are filled with red and pink love hearts, fluffy cushions and chocolate themed gifts, because nothing says I love you more than a box of Cadbury Milk Tray.

I find it odd that somehow as a society we have started to measure love by how much affection or generosity one shows another on a particular day, instead of perhaps showing love in more simple ways all the time. Why does it have be once a year? If you are single like me, then messages everywhere are saying that this day is only for certain people. There is a reason we’ve all heard of the M&S ‘Dine in for Two’ and not one.

I recently heard of another phrase coined Singles Awareness Day, so thought I would take a moment to blog about relationships and cancer. Over the years I have struggled a lot with the idea and feel like the future has been stolen from me, which is particularly problematic when in comes to relationships. Cancer is a catyclysmic event at any age, but if you haven’t settled down with someone it makes that idea seem beyond impossible. I didn’t meet my Mr Right at University and was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer shortly after graduating, which has made relationships non existent. I am now 30 years old, I still have single friends, but increasingly people are settling down and starting families, and days like Valentines Day make it more and more apparent I’m not at the same stage in life. Cupid hasn’t done right by me so far.  I’m not desperately single or angry and bitter about it, but it would be nice to feel like a relationship could be possible one day. I would have liked the choice.

When I featured in the BBC documentary A Time To Live last year a clip of my interview was posted on the BBC News Facebook page. The clip showed my thoughts on dating and was subsequently viewed 1.2 million times. You should be able to view the clip here. I still stand by what I said back then, why would anyone want to take on someone with incurable cancer? Imagine falling for someone you know there isn’t a future with; I have some much baggage it wouldn’t be fair on the other person. I don’t like to think about my prognosis, my immunotherapy is working well, but I know ultimately the outlook isn’t good.

Dating feels like minefield at the best of times, so with a cancer diagnosis on top of the usual woes it becomes even more difficult to deal with. The thought of trying to go out and meet someone makes me feel physically sick. I don’t even go on nights out as it is! How do you tell a man you’ve only just met you have a terminal illness? It isn’t the chat someone brings to the table on a first encounter. Even with new friendships I worry about how much to tell others, should I tell them my cancer is terminal? Or that I can’t have children? Do I reference my scars before they notice? or do I casually mention I’ve already written a will and thought more about having a funeral than a wedding? All of these questions are extremely hard to think about in day to day life, I can’t imagine being in that situation with a potential male suitor. Even without cancer, I am not sure a person share everything about themselves so early on, but perhaps it’s easier to lay all your cards on the table from the start. I know it’s not a persons place to know about my situation, however cancer is such a huge part of my life, and that won’t ever change. I often wonder that as I’ve no control over my circumstances then maybe I shouldn’t be trying to keep people in the dark so much. I am not ashamed that I have cancer, but of course if there was one wish I could have in the whole world it’d be to change my diagnosis. I fear having the ‘I know, I don’t look unwell’ conversation with everyone I meet.

In reality, I can’t be the only person out there of my generation in this position and I often wonder how others have navigated through illness and dating. There is no one to tell you how to talk about cancer when you’re trying to form a new relationship or meet new people. I know my friends would say I should put myself out there to meet someone, as I know it is unlikely won’t happen if I don’t look out for it. It’s 2018, we are a generation where online dating is the new normal and I’ve been told I’d be a great candidate for First Dates, I’ve definitely got an interesting back story, but I wouldn’t want that to be my key selling point. How do you introduce yourself to someone and explain you are dying? I know I don’t have as much to offer as a healthy person with their whole life ahead of them. Would the suggestion be to find a man with similar odds to myself, maybe someone who has also experienced cancer in the hope that they will understand the situation more? Sounds a bit weird to me.

I am not sure if the right man is out there, I’ve never been good at meeting people, so how could that possibly improve with stage 4 cancer? Perhaps dating is a bit like going to job interviews, having to put on your best front with someone you don’t know and convince them you are what they’ve been looking for. A life limiting illness isn’t exactly a positive selling point. I think that cancer and dating are almost entirely incompatible, I don’t think I can I possibly factor my illness into future relationships. Often I don’t have much energy to see friends and family, let alone going out to meet a person I hardly know. Having cancer places a very severe burden on a potential partner, I know couldn’t put that on someone else. Last time I checked I was still playing a tug of war with cancer, most likely to die a slow, debilitating death with the odds are all stacked against me. It’s not the sort of message to write inside a Valentine’s Day card.

Rather than solely celebrating couples as such, I’m going to take this day to tell my family and friends around me that I love and appreciate them, because perhaps I don’t say it often enough.

World Cancer Day

Today is World Cancer Day. World Cancer Day takes place every year on 4th February and aims to save millions of preventable deaths each year by raising awareness and education about cancer, and pressing organisations across the world to take action against the disease. According to the Cancer Research UK website, Cancer is the biggest killer worldwide. however research has helped double survival rates in the last 40 years. The day is an ideal opportunity to spread the word and raise the profile of cancer in people’s minds and in the media.

Some game changing cancer treatments, such as Pembrolizumab, the Immunotherapy drug I am currently receiving have only been available in more recent years. My situation would have been very different if I had been diagnosed earlier in life. It’s incredible to think how much the treatment process for melanoma has changed over the last decade. Although huge progress has been made, treatments are painful, debilitating, and for others like me they are long-term.

Sharing my own story doesn’t always come easy to me, as I can be a fairly private person, but I know that is for the benefit of others as well as myself. In some ways blogging about my journey is part of my grief process for the life I once had; expressing myself through my writing is something I previously didn’t think was possible. I really want to make sure something good comes out of this horrific situation.

For me, the metaphorical and physical scars will never been healed; its is as though I am a puzzle which now has a few missing pieces that will never be fully complete again. When I was initially diagnosis with melanoma at 18 I felt my life was over before it had started, but its thanks to pioneering research that I am still here at 30. I know I am one of the lucky ones. Perhaps I don’t fulfil the typical demographic when it comes to my cancer journey, but what is actually considered normal? As they say, so far so good. I have my good and bad days, but I thank my lucky stars every day that I am still alive.

I passionately believe we need to continue research to help find a cure for this awful disease and am beyond grateful to those who dedicate their lives to finding it. I have huge respect for those who continue to raise funds and awareness of all forms of cancer. both individuals and charities such as Cancer Research UK, Macmillan Cancer Support and Trekstock. One day I know a positive result will come from all the hard work.

The Struggle Is Real

The never ending struggle of living with stage 4 cancer is very real, and sometimes it appears that I am coping really well, even when I am not. Recently I have had to accept that I need a bit of help as I haven’t been doing well over the past few months. Late last year I felt I was in a dark place and was prescribed antidepressants by my GP.

Being surrounded by positivity and wonderful people helps a lot, but it’s ultimately not a solution. Cancer is lonely and isolating, I struggle with my diagnosis daily. As I’ve mentioned in previous blog posts I frequently feel very lonely and I am not ashamed to say I cry often. I have points where my judgment is clouded and I struggle to see the positives, as they hugely outweighed by the negatives. Who wants to wake up in the morning thinking about their impending death? Melanoma is a death sentence which I cannot change.

No longer having the typical visual side effects of cancer and holding down a job may sometimes mean people don’t realise how much I am struggling to get by. I think I often make it look easy, I look well but I don’t feel well. This is by far the hardest thing I have gone through and will go through during my lifetime. Unless you’re in my shoes it’s hard to truly relate. Of course, I do have good days where I feel like I’m powering through, and they feel great, but increasingly they are few and far between.

It’s my priority to feel well in myself, but sometimes my lack of control means that isn’t always possible. I try to try forget my woes, even if it’s just for five minutes in a day. I have a new job, and am starting to focus on my new challenge, the Lake District 5 Peak Challenge with Trekstock in April. I have been making the most of being in London and having down time, rather than trying to do too much, which I wrote about in my last blog post Finding My Focus. I have made an effort to go to my favourite local places, go to the cinema, or listen to my current favourite music (The Greatest Showman and Hamilton soundtracks are amazing!).

There are times in the past when I could have taken antidepressants, such as when I had surgery to remove my brain tumour eight years ago, but I just focussed on getting through each hospital appointment. These tablets ultimately won’t make a difference in terms of how Melanoma affects me, but they have started to help me feel less like bursting into tears every five minutes. The injustice of the world upsets me often, and it all comes back to my lack of control or choices I have in my life. This is one of the reasons I choose to raise money for charity when I can; often unless something touches someone’s life personally they may not think about trying to raise funds, but I’ve seen first hand gaps in the support system for patients, and the astronomical costs of life extending cancer drugs on the NHS.

When you look at television adverts or posters, cancer patients are often seen in a positive light, overcoming illness and defying expectations. I guess this is meant to reassure the public that cancer can be beaten by everyone, but it is often hard to comprehend the true reality. So far, taking antidepressants has made a significant shift in how I feel; I still struggle every day but the sadness and frustration feels less overwhelming. It seems there can be a stigma surrounding taking antidepressants, but I am not ashamed to admit I need a little help at the moment.

To be clear, I have been feeling depressed for several reasons. The most prevalent feelings being that I am scared my cancer will no longer be stable, and I will suffer immense pain and die. I also know it is such huge factor in my life an there is no ‘putting it all behind me and moving on’. After all, I am still  having treatment and getting scanned every three months, and will never be cancer free, it will always be part of my life. I am not trying to be attention seeking, I am just trying to be honest about the realities of life with a terminal cancer diagnosis, its important to know that the struggle is real. Very real.

Finding My Focus

With 2018 now in full swing, some people choose to make resolutions moving forward. For those who are experiencing cancer, or have been affected by it in the past, these resolutions aren’t always about creating new hobbies, such as taking a photograph every day for a year, taking the stairs at work rather than the lift, or going to the gym more.

So far this year I have started cutting back on things in my diary, rather than doing more. Starting a new job with more hours is really challenging for anyone, so I’m trying to stay one step ahead at all times, and finally learning when to say no rather than being a yes man. If I think too much activity is going to jeopardise my health and make me more fatigued, particularly in the winter months, I’m going to say no. I already feel better for making this conscious choice, therefore the prospect of a 40 hour working week doesn’t seem as daunting any more.

I always like to keep people on side and agree to everything (I love brunch and eating out too much), but with a terminal illness it isn’t practical to say yes so often. I am trying to regain my focus and think about what is really important. Previously my attitude would have been that I am admitting defeat by saying no, but really it is learning to look at something from another angle. Despite always wanting to please people and be liked, I already feel much happier and brighter with more sleep and planning down time in my diary. I need my body and brain to function well so I can concentrate on learning my new role, making sure I am not feeling exhausted by lunchtime.

By taking a break for over filling my social calendar, I can really enjoy spending with the people I can about. It has now become more about quality time than quantity. A couple of friends came to stay with me London at the weekend, usually I feel the pressure of being a host and having to show people all the favourite tourist spots, but coffee and chilled out catch ups in pyjamas were just what was needed. I am sure that this will not always be so easy for me, but my health is my number one priority, and I think I’ve forgotten that at points over the past year. I’m starting to feel much better than I have done over the past few months just by making this choice and forming a new routine. Who knew that having breakfast before setting off for work rather than at my desk would make such a difference?!

There are only 24 hours in a day, of course it would be easier if we had an extra day a week, but time is limited. If I’m spending enough time sleeping, and around hour and half travelling to and from work, and another eight or so at my desk Monday to Friday, that doesn’t leave too much time for relaxation and leisure activities. Going for my treatment exhausts me for about a week, then after a break the cycle begins all over again. I’d ask that people don’t write me off just yet, I still want to be included, but I need time to adjust to a new regime, so If I’ve been less responsive this is most likely the reason why. I really appreciate texts, cards, home visits and coffee dates, and I promise I will see everyone, it just might take a little longer to find a time that works with my new routine.

New Year Challenges

After deciding against another running challenge in 2018, my lovely school friend Emilie has taken one on and is doing the Brighton Marathon to raise funds for Macmillan in April. I’m proud of one of my oldest friend for taking on this marathon challenge  (pun intended) and I’ll be going to cheer her on during the race. You can find out Em’s story here.

Macmillan have been a huge source of support for me, from my Skin Cancer specialist nurse to various online resources and assistance with various different application forms. I’m really appreciate Emilie’s dedication to a cause that’s so close to home. Later in the year I am going abroad for her wedding to be a bridesmaid so it’s set to be an epic 2018.

I’ve decided take on a different challenge in the new year and I am hoping to do the Lake District 5 Peak Challenge with Trekstock later in the year. I’ve never been to the Lake District before, so I thought it would be a great way of doing something new whilst also raising awareness for young people like me experiencing cancer. Over the past 15 months I’ve received a lot of support from the small London based team which has been invaluable. The challenge runs over one day. The climb goes up to over 3,000 feet, covering approximately 14 miles. I need to work out some sort of training that might help. Any one up for a walk around Hyde Park with a large backpack?

I am seeing in the new year by relaxing at home, which seems like a nice chilled out end to 2017. I am keeping everything crossed that my cancer will continue to be stable in 2018 as I have new opportunities and adventures in the pipe line!

Festive Feelings 2.0

Christmas 2017 is a few days away, and it seems like only yesterday I wrote the blog post Festive Feelings, but 365 days have passed and a lot has happened over the past year.

On Monday I went on a Christmas trip with my Mum and Sister to Brussels, which makes a huge change from the week before Christmas last year, when had my ninth cycle of Pembrolizumab. So far I have had 25 cycles of the drug and all remains stable, which is more than I could have wished for during 2017. I am pleased to say I haven’t had any last minute hospital dashes or huge scares over the past few months. I am also very lucky that I haven’t had another major operations in 2017. Once again, hospital is the last place I would want to be over Christmas, and am really grateful to be an outpatient, particularly at this time of year.

I often start to worry about the year ahead and the challenges cancer might throw at me. The unpredictable nature of the illness has been a huge part of the anxiety I have been experiencing lately. Melanoma is never far from my mind, particularly during the festive season.

I’m grateful to be well enough this Christmas to enjoy it again, although I’ve been feeling very down over the past few months I know how lucky I am. Overall it doesn’t matter how many presents someone gets, how expensive they are, how festive the house looks or how big the Christmas tree is. There are much bigger problems in life than what films to watch on Christmas day, or what gifts to buy family and friends. What really matters is spending time with people I care about, and trying to be as happy and positive as I can moving forward.

2018 marks a big change for me, I recently got a new job which I am due start in January. I am excited to have a new focus, and for the new challenges that will come with it.

Wishing everyone a Merry Christmas and a Happy New year!

Thoughts On Food And Cancer

Food and cancer has been a topic I’ve wanted to write about for a while, there are so many different opinions floating around about diet and cancer it can be difficult to distinguish key facts.

The key advice I have received about diet and exercise whilst having treatment is to do what works for me individually. Just because some things work for one group of people doesn’t automatically mean they will work for the majority of the population. Each week there are multiple headlines suggesting what we put in our bodies can either help cause or prevent cancer and It’s confusing to say the least.

Since I had my first bowel tumour removed in 2014 I have been conscious to eat more fruit and vegetables and also began going to the gym. There is no set routine so to speak, and some weeks I’m far better than others. I figure walking is as good as anything most of the time, when I feel able. If you’d seen any of my instagram posts you’ll see I also go to the occasional yoga or pilates class. I enjoy it, but it can often be pretty expensive.

I went through a prolonged phase of having home made juices, but I think that phase has passed, at the moment my sleep is far more important than getting up early to squeeze fresh oranges. I don’t want to feel guilty if I eat cake or sweet snacks, it is ludicrous and life is too short! I’m more active now than I have been in previous years, which is great. However, in the winter time I really have to push myself to get up and go. I know its good for my overall wellbeing, but so are rest and sleep. If only there were more hours in the day for extra sleep sessions.

One thing I have discovered is a love of cooking. I used to be all about the home baked cakes, but I’ve extended my repertoire into the dinner field over the past few years. I now often enjoy spending time in the kitchen, or thinking about what meals to make for the week ahead. As it’s winter, I am really enjoying making soups and the one pan curries and stews (I am not a fan of washing up, so one pan meals are great!). Books from instagrammers like Deliciously Ella have allowed me to enjoy cooking simple meals from scratch and I no longer feel like it’s a chore. I got Nicola Graimes book The Part-Time Vegetarian for Christmas last year and it’s proved a real hit.

Ultimately I will do anything if it helps me, but I don’t want to be made to feel like any of this is my fault, or that I somehow got cancer because of lifestyle choices. I’d love to think that doing these things is the ultimate cancer fixer, and my melanoma will be cured if introduce some sort of strict regime, however sadly It won’t. I find it upsetting for people to suggest that I might have done something which would have caused this horrific disease, perhaps I’m feeling a little over sensitive but I’m sure others would say the same. I would urge people to think about their choice of words when discussing this topic. I find social media frustrating because people seem to assume that one particular lifestyle or way of eating should be the same for everyone. We are all different, it is what makes us unique.

Over the past year I have had many conversation with people about the latest food revolutions, but watching a couple of documentary’s about fad diets doesn’t make anyone an expert. Remember when the atkins diet was huge? Some of the most healthy people I know have experienced cancer, it doesn’t discriminate. Everyone from triathlon winners and marathon runners can get cancer, It can happen to anyone at any time, regardless of lifestyle choices.

Eating well is by no means a replacement to chemotherapy and Immunotherapy treatments. I believe in doing these things alongside my treatment regime helps me feel well, support my body and in turn give me more energy to fight this illness, but isn’t a cure. I touched on this in one of my older blog posts, What Having Cancer Has Taught Me.

I know that the reason I am alive today is because I have been on the receiving end of various new cancer treatments, and I’ve had tumours in places where they could be surgically removed. I have no real way of knowing if eating more vegetables has made any difference to how I’ve responded to Pembrolizumab so far. Whilst taking oral targeted therapy drug Vemurafenib I was also training for a half marathon and I really raised the game on my food intake and exercise regime (That half marathon wasn’t going to run itself!) but I still had recurrence of disease and a second bowel tumour removal operation in May 2016. It might have been that I would have responded in exactly the same way, whether or not I’d made conscious changes around what I ate or drank, or what exercise I did. Who knows!

I eat a balanced diet most of the time and I also like a few treats. With a stage 4 diagnosis, it’s really not going to make the situation any better by worrying if I’ve somehow contributed to being unwell.

If it turns out I was wrong, do feel free to say I ate too many cakes in my eulogy.