Dear 18-Year-Old Me

Within the blink of an eye another year has passed and I am almost 32! I am beyond grateful to have lived another year on this beautiful planet we call home. Who’d have thought I’d be happy about getting old?!  So far 2019 has been good to me, and my life has changed beyond recognition, having only stepped foot through the doors of Leicester Royal Infirmary a couple of times this year, for a PET CT scan and subsequent results. This is the stuff dreams are made of, and despite multiple daily reminders I am slowly getting used to being free from cancer treatment.

Over the last year I have been fortunate enough to travel a fair bit around America and Thailand; I also visited Cyprus in the autumn and have since been on a couple of city breaks Florence and Vienna, as well as various trips around the UK to Newcastle, Torquay, Nottingham and the Isle of Wight. Right now, it’s not all bad.

I’ve beaten the statistics in so many ways, I almost feel I don’t really deserve to be referred to as a stage 4 patient right now. Melanoma is being treated so differently to five years ago and currently I feel like I’ve been given a golden ticket and a chance of freedom.

Three years ago I was in hospital, having had surgery to remove a tumour from my bowel for the second time. I managed to get discharged the night before my birthday, but the celebrations passed me by that year. Five years ago I also spent my birthday in hospital, at the time I was admitted to St George’s Hospital in Tooting, South London for suspected appendicitis. It turned out to be my first bowel tumour, and I remained in hospital for ten days before being admitted to Leicester for emergency surgery. In July, once I’d recovered from the operation I began receiving Pembrolizumab in hospital every three weeks.

Who knows how the next year will go? At the moment it feels very promising, but nothing will ever be certain. With it also being Melanoma Awareness Month, I started to think what advice would I give to me pre cancer 18-year-old self if I could write them a letter about what was to come over the next 14 years.

Inspiration for this letter is taken from the 2011 video ‘Dear 16-Year-Old Me’ by the David Cornfield Melanoma Fund.

Dear 18-year-old me: A letter to my younger self.

Congratulations for making it this far! This is a big year; far bigger and more challenging than you will have ever known before. Some fantastic things will happen this year; you’ll pass your exams, your driving test (at last!) and go on a fun girls holiday. Despite this, you’re going to have a lot of shit to deal with other the next few years, so don’t sweat the small stuff.

When you hear the words ‘you have cancer’ and find out It’s stage 1 melanoma, please don’t panic. Its not nearly as bad as it seems (for now anyway). Melanoma is a type of skin cancer, It develops from skin cells called melanocytes. The mole you had removed from your neck was melanoma – A key piece of advice – don’t ever go to hospital appointments on your own again!

The next 12 months won’t work out the way you would have liked, you must remember not everyone’s path is the same. I know a gap year seems like the last thing you want right now, but it’ll all work out in the end. You didn’t want to go to university in Scotland anyway! Stop comparing yourself to your peers, it won’t help. All good things comes to those who wait, right?

The small scar from you mole removal will become a lot bigger, and more prominent. People will ask you about it; but don’t let it get to you. They won’t know how to react to your story and this won’t really change over the next decade. Embrace university life, believe it or not this part will be the calmest and least stressful of all.

You’ll find out you have stage 4 melanoma at 23, but you can handle it. You’re tougher than you think. It’s not an immediate death sentence despite what you’re told.

You will recover from major brain surgery, and lung surgery too. It’s a lot to take on, but your vision won’t be affected permanently, it’s always been bad anyway! Once you’ve had you lung tumour removed it’ll be seriously painful, but you’ll be able to breathe and walk properly again. A short post-surgery cropped hair cut will actually suit you. Thank Emma Watson for the hair cut inspiration!

Your life will be so so mentally draining and physically tough, but you will get there. Listen to your body and be kind to yourself.

Your friends won’t disown you because you are ill; it turns out this brings you closer together. You’ll still laugh with them like you did before cancer stole your freedom. You’re driving licence won’t be revoked forever, it’s not the end of the world. You will drive and have your own car again in a few years! Your friends will visit you when you are unwell and give you an excuse to get outside. Eventually, you will go back to work; you could’ve done with a bit more time off but you were being stubborn. Remember, part-time work is the way forward, don’t be fooled, only stupid people work full time!

Embrace your down time, you’re going to need it. Post brain surgery chronic fatigue will plague you for two years, but you will eventually get a handle on it. All will be relatively clam for the next few years and despite what it seems, your oncologist is capable of giving you good news as well as bad.

You will make a lot of new friends over the next few years who don’t care that you have cancer. It’s not what they see when they look at you, so please make sure to keep reminding yourself of that.

Like a boomerang, melanoma will come back again, this time in your bowels. Sadly it felt inevitable and you knew that. Try to embrace your scars, they tell you story of survival. You must remember that you cannot blame anyone or anything, it’s not your fault you have cancer. Anyone who tries to tell you differently can do one because they aren’t worth knowing.

When you start systemic treatment you will loose your hair, much of the confidence you’d built back up will be lost again. People will treat you differently now they can see you’re unwell. It won’t last forever, other treatments are been developed and believe it or not you’ll only wear a wig for two and a half years before you hair grows back. It sounds like a really long time, but just like your driving license it’s not forever.

You’ll feel close to death numerous times. You’ll write your will because you are sensible; cancer didn’t change that. You’ll have a lot of different treatments over the next four and a half years and by some miracle you’ll survive. You spend time  learning about treatments and how to pronounce words you’d never heard of  before. The NHS is incredible, be thankful. Always.

Eventually you’ll find the strength to tell you own story, and not feel so ashamed. You’ll write a blog, and be interviewed in magazines and on television to help raise awareness of skin cancer. Your story will inspire others so keep going. Talk to someone when you need to, its not a sign of failure or weakness. Just do what you need to do to get through the days / weeks / months and years living with this illness. Do all you can to raise awareness of melanoma and the important charities that have helped you along the way.

Stop worrying about what other people think and be yourself. You’ll make it to at least 32 and be alive for so many moments you thought you would miss. Tell people to cover up in the sun, repeat it over and over again and don’t stop; never ever apologies for it.

Just Live!

The Power Of The Cancer Community

Over the past couple of weeks there has been a lot on social media about a recent campaign by Marks and Spencer and Fashion Targets Breast Cancer to help raise awareness and funds for breast cancer research. It certainly raised a few eyebrows and the general feeling was it massively missed the mark. Understandably, there have been many people speaking out about this on social media.

Marks and Spencer are donating 30% of the purchase price of tote bags and t-shirts to help raise vital funds for Breast cancer research. That’s no small change, however It appears that on this occasion they seem to have painted a unrealistic image of cancer through the media, including the use of celebrities in their campaign, and have been criticised for completely missing the opportunity to use real women living with cancer in the campaign, of which there are so many spreading such valuable messages on Instagram.

I do agree with this in part, however we cannot tell if someone has been affected by cancer just by the way they look, I am a stage 4 patient who was having immunotherapy every 3 weeks until very recently, but I look well on the outside. The same goes for the celebrities, perhaps they have friends or family members who have been unfortunate enough to be diagnosed with cancer. Part of me believes that If seeing one of the Marks and Spencer adverts, or even an instagram post from a celebrity about the campaign means women pay attention to their bodies and it gets people talking, then they have done something positive.

I agree the slogans ‘two is stronger than one’ and ‘good things come in twos’ are insensitive and could have been thought out better. It’s clear the campaign has caused offence and upset, which was not the intention at all. It would seem this does not translate well when you’ve had a mastectomy, whatever the intention, and I don’t blame people for being upset.

Marks and Spencer are raising money for a hugely important and valuable cause and sadly, I feel the message of this campaign has been lost with all the commotion. The campaign invites people to dress in solidarity, and champions strong friendship. They missed the mark, but I believe this is a good catalyst for a better conversation about these sort of campaigns, and fingers crossed it is something that is considered better in the future.

After the initial backlash, Marks and Spencer then posted patient stories on social media and on the Fashion Targets Breast Cancer website. I agree that they should have led with these stories in the first place as it feels more powerful.

The campaign seems to have fulled some fire about breast cancer getting a lot of coverage in the media compared with other types of cancer. I am not sure why this has all become a game of ‘which cancer is worse’. All cancer is horrific, it is awful no matter what stage you are diagnosed. Yes I’d like other cancers to get awareness, I know charities like Melanoma UK don’t get enough attention, and I’d certainly like to see more information out there about other cancers too, but it doesn’t mean the funds and research for breast cancer charities are any less important.

This was a prime example of the strength and impact social media can have, and the campaign has led to the development of True Cancer Bodies a patient led campaign that put all cancers at the heart of its message. Seriously well done to all those involved! Of the 20 people in the campaign many different types of cancer were represented,  including breast, bowel, liver, lung, colon cancer and Hodgkin’s lymphoma. The aim is to enlighten the public as to what cancer really looks like, and I think they have done a great job.

I’ve always said that having cancer is like being in a members only club you don’t want to be part of, but this has shown how the cancer community has come together to try to make change for the better, so long may it continue.

Mind Your Language

More often than not it’s difficult for people to find the right words to say to friends and loves ones who have cancer. It’s not easy to work out the right thing to say and sometimes it can come out wrong and offend people, even with the best intentions at heart.

Macmillan Cancer Support recently launched a campaign on their Facebook page to help raise awareness of the language used when speaking about cancer, in the hope to start a conversation and make it easier for those in the cancer community.

Even though I can often use this language myself it can prove problematic. I am not ‘brave’ because I have cancer, I have no choice in the matter, and I didn’t decide on the path my life has taken. It’s not something I would have gone into voluntarily, and trying to stay alive is not a choice. It’s isn’t as though I am picking if I should have jam or peanut butter on my toast in the morning.

People telling me to ‘keep positive’ implies I am not allowed to show how scared I am, and therefore show weakness. I’ve been trying my best to positive for years, but do moments of sadness show that I am weak and negative? It took me a long time to accept I needed help in the form of antidepressants, and I think part of that is the expectation that just being positive would be enough to help me through. News flash: cancer doesn’t care if I am positive, or anyone else for that matter. Cancer doesn’t discriminate. Yes, It doesn’t wonders for my mental health to be in a good frame of mind, but this suggests those with negative mindsets die from cancer, or their symptoms will progress, and if a person keep positive they will one day walk free. Are the people who live the only ones that fight hard enough to stay alive? Wrong.

I am positive the majority of the time, but I have stage 4 cancer and there is no chance I will live my life without this burden, and I continue to learn to live with it as best I can. I am just getting on with my life, going to work, coming home and attempting to be normal (whatever that is!). I am doing the best I can, but sometimes the language used suggests I am just not trying hard enough!

I don’t look like a typical cancer patient and present; I have my own hair and am able to hide my portacath and surgery scars easily. When I explain my situation to new people they often seem shocked, maybe I don’t look ill enough to be a cancer patient? Especially a stage 4 cancer patient who has metastatic cancer that has spread to multiple organs. What does cancer look like anyway? Its not like an identity parade to spot a criminal. I don’t look disabled but I have a free bus pass and monthly disability benefits just the same as others who have a physical disability.

I might look well on the outside, but looks can be deceiving, so I always try keep in mind that I shouldn’t judge a book by its cover, you never know what’s happening underneath. If someone looks tired I’ll try to ask them what they’ve been up to, rather than tell them they look like they’ve not slept for days, it doesn’t aways help to be told you look crap!

I am not annoyed at others for saying something that might come across as insensitive, it’s not exactly straight forward and it all depends how I feel on any given day. Macmillan’s aim is to help change the way cancer is spoken about to make it better for those going through it. In the time is taken me to write this post I’ve seen two of their support adverts on television, so well done to Macmillan for continuing to raise awareness and helping others avoid a classic case of foot in mouth!

Standing Up To Cancer

Friday evening saw the annual Stand Up to Cancer telethon air on Channel 4. The night is a televised fundraising campaign between Cancer Research UK and Channel 4, that aims to bring people together to speed up progress in life-saving cancer research. Stand Up To Cancer donations help to fund research, which takes developments in the labs and accelerates them into brand new tests and treatments for cancer patients.

The charity telethon concluded late Friday night with the public in the UK having raised an incredible £24 million for cancer research and support, this is a huge £8.6 million increase on the £16 million raised two years ago. What incredible figures! It’s certainly shows the power of television and social media in raising awareness. Some of the patient stories were very emotional and hard hitting, it’s often to strange to think I am one of them, with my place in the stage 4 cancer club fully cemented.

The evening also saw TV appearances from You, Me and the Big C podcast hosts Debs (aka Bowelbabe) and Lauren (aka Girl vs Cancer). It’s great that they are continuing to break down barriers around cancer and the way it’s spoken about. I’d highly recommend the podcast they created with Rachel (aka Big C. Little Me.) for anyone who is unfortunate enough to be going through something similar.

I am debating taking on another hiking challenge next year, and watching parts of the Stand Up to Cancer programme has made me more determined to continue to raise funds and awareness despite my current injury. I have tendinitis in my right heel (most likely triggered from previous challenges including my most recent half marathon). The next trek isn’t until April 2019 so hopefully I’ve got plenty of time to get treatment on my ankle and get fit in preparation to take on the Jurassic Coast trek with Trekstock. Now I know what to expect from the last challenge I’ll need to take on some serious training this time around, perhaps some personal training and HIIT classes as well as waking. Anyone want to join me?

Although I participated in regular walks last time I don’t think anything could have prepared me for the reality of how mental and physically tough the whole weekend climbing the Lake District 5 Peaks was. I was a complete wreck! Still, time is a healer and I am ready for something new. I am determined to keep on standing up to cancer and carrying on as best I can.

Read All About It

A quick blog post to update people on my latest media venture.

A little earlier in the year I was interviewed for Mail On Sunday’s YOU Magazine, and the article comes out this Sunday (22 July).

The piece focusses on my story, talking about my cancer experience so far and how my family and friends have helped me navigate through the toughest journey of my life.

I hope it helps to raise further awareness of what it is like to live with stage 4 cancer, and all the ups and downs that come alongside it. In the article, I talk about my initial diagnosis, treatments so far, my work / life balance and raising money for charities such as Trekstock, who have been a huge help to me over the past couple of years. Nowadays I struggle to remember what it was like to live without cancer, to live my life and not feel as though I am in constant fear every single day. Cancer will always be part of my life, so it’s important to acknowledge that, but it is not all I am about.

If you’re able, do go and pick up a copy and have a read over your breakfast / exercise session / bath on Sunday morning. Thank you so much to the lovely Rosalind, Charlotte and all the team at YOU Magazine.

UPDATE: You can read the online version here

The British 10k

I’ve decided to take on another race, the The British 10k in preparation for my Northampton Half Marathon in September. I know, I know, here I go again…

I recently took part in the Lake District 5 Peak Challenge for Trekstock. I know I’ve since moaned a lot, but It was the most mentally and physically tough challenge I’ve set myself to date, and I’m still a little injured because of it. Despite everything I wouldn’t change a thing.

Completing the 10k will determine if I’m on track for the Half Marathon for The Lewis Foundation in Northampton in September, so I am testing the waters so to speak. I’ve ran a half marathon before however I was much fitter then and the treatment I was having meant I could sustain a good training routine. This time around I haven’t done any running and have hardly set foot in a gym since late last year. My body moves slower than it used to and the frequency of treatment means I suffer debilitating fatigue for days on end.

Despite everything I feel like I have to do something, even raising a small amount could help make a big difference. I know the weather is set to be much nicer than when I did the London Winter Run 18 months ago for Cancer Research UK with family and friends, so that is a bonus.

Over the past few months I’ve been following the story of fellow stage 4 melanoma patient Emily Hayward via Instagram and You Tube and learnt today that she has sadly passed away. I know I am not alone when I say her story touched so many lives, both with or without cancer. I found her vlog really compelling as there are so many parallels with our journeys. She has inspired so many people with her strength and positivity, not just those with Melanoma but others undergoing immunotherapy and chemotherapy too. She maximised the good days, and chatted about making her days matter, and making her life count even though the odds were stacked against her. Emily accepted her diagnosis and lived life to the full every single day. There have been other great Melanoma blogs such as Dear Melanoma and Wrestling Melanoma I’ve followed over the years but sadly those people have since passed away too. Who is to say I won’t be next? No one.

News like this hits home hard! It’s a scary reality and I’m petrified about what may come, in an instant one can realise that life is so fragile, and so bloody unfair. The cancer club is a horrible club to be part of, but it is full of very incredible people.

I need to feel like I’m doing my bit; as I’ve said before it gives me a sense of purpose and focus. I want to make sure my life counts, and make each day really matter, I guess perhaps we only have one life after all?

The NHS is an incredible resource which we are very very lucky to have in the UK, but charities like Trekstock offer support that I haven’t always found elsewhere and feel it’s only right to try to make a difference in the hope it’ll help others like me moving forward, either experiencing a life with cancer, or a life after cancer.

If anyone is free early morning on Sunday 15th July and in central London, do feel free to come and cheer me along during The British 10k. I’m not sure I’ll be running, as I still need rest and don’t have time to train, but even if I’m walking I don’t mind, just as long as I cross the finish line. If anyone does wish to sponsor I’m looking to raise £200 from this event, and will also be raising money in August ahead of the Northampton Half Marathon. A link to my page for the 10k is here.

I’ll never understand why life deals some people such a bad hand; I feel overcome with emotion just thinking about it, and at the moment I’m one of the lucky ones which seems bizarre. Life is short, and I want to live mine to the fullest for as long a possible. I don’t want to waste a moment of this precious life. I just wish I had the answer on how to fix things.

Still hoping for a miracle.

Lake District Five Peaks Challenge

Last weekend I conquered the Lake District 5 Peaks for charity, including England’s highest mountain Scafell Pike in just one day. I did this in aid of Trekstock, a young adult cancer charity I’ve frequently mentioned in my blog.

I found out about Trekstock through social media, and over the last 18 months I’ve found them a great source of support. Through the charity I took part in their RENEW exercise programme and also became involved in the BBC documentary A Time To Live by Sue Bourne. I have also benefited from other events they’ve organised for those who have experienced cancer.

The challenge, organised through the company Charity Challenge was without a doubt one of the hardest things I’ve done in my life! It was the most difficult physical challenge I’ve set myself so far. I was on my feet walking for the best part of 12 and a half hours straight and I found the trek both physically and mentally tough. I felt so many emotions in one short space of time; I laughed and I cried! (A lot!), but I’m proud to say I did it! I was the last person in my challenge group of 44 people to finish on the day, and I’m sure I said I couldn’t do it about 1000 times. My hips and legs became so tired that I had to give up my backpack for the last four hours, and the Charity Challenge team kindly carried it for me. I kept joking that the leaders should apply for World’s Strongest Man as they carried my backpack (as well as their own), whilst navigating across the boulders and rough terrain of the landscape. The whole experience reminded me of the type of person I am; I’m a fairly nervous person, I get scared easily, and the weekend confirmed that I’m certainly not an outdoor enthusiast! It took me longer than average to learn to swim, ride a bike and drive a car, so I shouldn’t be surprised I found the trek tough going! I know I won’t be signing up to adventurer Bear Grylls next TV show in a hurry.

Despite my initial disappointment at finishing last, I have to remind myself it wasn’t a race, I also had chemotherapy last Monday, so I know I should be especially proud. Initially it felt bitter sweet; the challenge reminded me that I am not invincible, and that having stage 4 cancer means I will inevitably find it difficult to do things that a healthy person could do more easily. As first I felt really upset, as it was a reality check, but it hindsight I’m just glad to have finished.

I’m still very sore and in pain, and pretty sure I’m going to loose a toenail but it was worth it!  Without sounding like an awards acceptance speech; I am grateful to my two wonderful friends that completed the trek with me (they must be mad!), I’ve never been so happy to see two people before. Huge thanks to the Charity Challenge team who made sure I powered through, and of course to the lovely Trekstock team. I know the money raised will continue to make a huge difference to people like me. It was lovely to meet so many other people connected to the charity, who gave me encouragement, supported and cheered me on until the bitter end. I’ll certainly be visiting the Lake District again soon, it isn’t an area of the world I’d visited before, and the landscapes were stunning. It goes to show there is so much beauty in England so close to home, I still have The Travel Bug, but I’d love to explore the UK more.
 At the moment I’m not sure the Lake District 5 Peaks would be something I would do again in a huge rush, but knowing me I’ll probably end of signing up to something else in few weeks. Perhaps I should opt for a simple bake sale instead? Overall I feel a great sense of achievement. and I’ll be riding high on that wave for a while, even if I am still hobbling.

Its great feeling knowing the money raised can make a real difference, helping to improve the physical and psychological wellbeing of people in similar shoes to mine. In total I’ve raised over £1,100 for Trekstock so far, and if you’d still like to donate you can do so here.

I am also delighted to say that I had stable scan results at my oncology appointment last Monday, which is of course fantastic news. Now that I know, I hope I can relax more over the next few months and enjoy my summer adventures and birthday celebrations.

World Cancer Day

Today is World Cancer Day. World Cancer Day takes place every year on 4th February and aims to save millions of preventable deaths each year by raising awareness and education about cancer, and pressing organisations across the world to take action against the disease. According to the Cancer Research UK website, Cancer is the biggest killer worldwide. however research has helped double survival rates in the last 40 years. The day is an ideal opportunity to spread the word and raise the profile of cancer in people’s minds and in the media.

Some game changing cancer treatments, such as Pembrolizumab, the Immunotherapy drug I am currently receiving have only been available in more recent years. My situation would have been very different if I had been diagnosed earlier in life. It’s incredible to think how much the treatment process for melanoma has changed over the last decade. Although huge progress has been made, treatments are painful, debilitating, and for others like me they are long-term.

Sharing my own story doesn’t always come easy to me, as I can be a fairly private person, but I know that is for the benefit of others as well as myself. In some ways blogging about my journey is part of my grief process for the life I once had; expressing myself through my writing is something I previously didn’t think was possible. I really want to make sure something good comes out of this horrific situation.

For me, the metaphorical and physical scars will never been healed; its is as though I am a puzzle which now has a few missing pieces that will never be fully complete again. When I was initially diagnosis with melanoma at 18 I felt my life was over before it had started, but its thanks to pioneering research that I am still here at 30. I know I am one of the lucky ones. Perhaps I don’t fulfil the typical demographic when it comes to my cancer journey, but what is actually considered normal? As they say, so far so good. I have my good and bad days, but I thank my lucky stars every day that I am still alive.

I passionately believe we need to continue research to help find a cure for this awful disease and am beyond grateful to those who dedicate their lives to finding it. I have huge respect for those who continue to raise funds and awareness of all forms of cancer. both individuals and charities such as Cancer Research UK, Macmillan Cancer Support and Trekstock. One day I know a positive result will come from all the hard work.

The Struggle Is Real

The never ending struggle of living with stage 4 cancer is very real, and sometimes it appears that I am coping really well, even when I am not. Recently I have had to accept that I need a bit of help as I haven’t been doing well over the past few months. Late last year I felt I was in a dark place and was prescribed antidepressants by my GP.

Being surrounded by positivity and wonderful people helps a lot, but it’s ultimately not a solution. Cancer is lonely and isolating, which means I struggle with my diagnosis daily. As I’ve mentioned in previous blog posts I frequently feel very lonely and I am not ashamed to say I cry about my situation often. I have points where my judgment is clouded and I struggle to see the positives, as they hugely outweighed by the negatives. Who wants to wake up in the morning thinking about their impending death? Melanoma is a death sentence which I cannot change.

No longer having the typical visual side effects of cancer and holding down a job may sometimes mean people don’t realise how much I am struggling to get by. I think I often make it look easy, I look well but I don’t feel well. This is by far the hardest thing I have gone through, and will ever go through during my lifetime. Unless you’re in my shoes it’s hard to truly relate. Of course, I do have good days where I feel like I’m powering through, and they feel great, but increasingly they are few and far between.

It’s my priority to feel well in myself, but sometimes my lack of control means that isn’t always possible. I try to try forget my woes, even if it’s just for five minutes in a day. I have a new job, and am starting to focus on my new challenge, the Lake District 5 Peak Challenge with Trekstock in April. I have been making the most of being in London and having down time, rather than trying to do too much, which I wrote about in my last blog post Finding My Focus. I have made an effort to go to my favourite local places, go to the cinema, or listen to my current favourite music (The Greatest Showman and Hamilton soundtracks are amazing!).

There are times in the past when I could have taken antidepressants, such as when I had surgery to remove my brain tumour eight years ago, but I just focussed on getting through each hospital appointment. These tablets ultimately won’t make a difference in terms of how Melanoma affects me, but they have started to help me feel less like bursting into tears every five minutes. The injustice of the world upsets me often, and it all comes back to my lack of control or choices I have in my life. This is one of the reasons I choose to raise money for charity when I can; often unless something touches someone’s life personally they may not think about trying to raise funds, but I’ve seen first hand gaps in the support system for patients, and the astronomical costs of life extending cancer drugs on the NHS.

When you look at television adverts or posters, cancer patients are often seen in a positive light, overcoming illness and defying expectations. I guess this is meant to reassure us that cancer can be beaten by everyone, but it is often hard to comprehend the true reality. So far, taking antidepressants has made a significant shift in how I feel; I still struggle every day but the sadness and frustration feels less overwhelming. It seems there can be a stigma surrounding taking antidepressants, but It is clear that I need a little help at the moment.

I have been feeling depressed for several reasons. The most prevalent feelings being that I am scared my cancer will no longer be stable, and I will suffer immense pain and die. I also know it is such huge factor in my life an there is no ‘putting it all behind me and moving on’. After all, I am still  having treatment and getting scanned every three months, and will never be cancer free, it will always be part of my life. I am not trying to be attention seeking, I am just trying to be honest about the realities of life with a terminal cancer diagnosis, its important to know that the struggle is real. Very real.

New Year Challenges

After deciding against another running challenge in 2018, my lovely school friend Emilie has taken one on and is doing the Brighton Marathon to raise funds for Macmillan in April. I’m proud of one of my oldest friend for taking on this marathon challenge  (pun intended) and I’ll be going to cheer her on during the race. You can find out Em’s story here.

Macmillan have been a huge source of support for me, from my Skin Cancer specialist nurse to various online resources and assistance with various different application forms. I’m really appreciate Emilie’s dedication to a cause that’s so close to home. Later in the year I am going abroad for her wedding to be a bridesmaid so it’s set to be an epic 2018.

I’ve decided take on a different challenge in the new year and I am hoping to do the Lake District 5 Peak Challenge with Trekstock later in the year. I’ve never been to the Lake District before, so I thought it would be a great way of doing something new whilst also raising awareness for young people like me experiencing cancer. Over the past 15 months I’ve received a lot of support from the small London based team which has been invaluable. The challenge runs over one day. The climb goes up to over 3,000 feet, covering approximately 14 miles. I need to work out some sort of training that might help. Any one up for a walk around Hyde Park with a large backpack?

I am seeing in the new year by relaxing at home, which seems like a nice chilled out end to 2017. I am keeping everything crossed that my cancer will continue to be stable in 2018 as I have new opportunities and adventures in the pipe line!