Learning To Love Myself

I feel like I am under a constant storm of clouds right now, just trying to stay dry whilst chaos ensues around me. I’ve finally caught the cold I seem to always be on the edge of and I also have a chest infection so I’m feeling a little sorry for myself this week. I’ve been spending as much time as possible in bed, where I finished this post I’ve been working on for the past four days. Still, I’ve got a weekend away to look forward to which I am very excited about! I just want to feel well; like when I wake up in the morning I can tackle the day ahead, rather than struggle to get out of bed. Hopefully a dose of antibiotics will do the trick!

It’s been a year since I wrote my blog post Singles Awareness Day. As I am sure we are all aware, today is February 14th aka Valentines Day; this is a day when everyone focuses on love, relationships, red roses and pink heart shape gifts. Perhaps, if you are like me it makes you focus on the lack of the above.

The suggestion is always that one needs to be happy in themselves before looking for love. It’ll probably always be a challenge for me to learn to be truly happy and love myself (scars and all) before I can let my barriers down and let anyone else in. I need to feel better from the inside out, I’ve neglected myself a lot over the years and this needs to change. It’s not going to happen over night, but if I’m not happy in myself, I’m certainly not going to let a man get close to me. If I don’t feel proud of my achievements, how will anyone else? Self love sounds very cheesy, but if I cannot see the positives in myself others around me won’t either.

At 31, if you’re not settled down It appears as a society we question it. I think others must think there is something wrong with me, but there is! I have incurable stage 4 cancer! I still have single friends, but increasingly couples are settling down, moving house and starting families. Days like Valentines Day serve as a constant reminder I’m not at the same stage in life. My successes (staying well, managing to work full time) are not the same as my peers, these are a given for 90% of those around me, they are just ‘the norm’ for others. I’ve been told multiple times over the years that I am ‘not the norm’ and boy do I feel that now!

It’s time to stop being so harsh on myself, to stop judging; and stop putting myself under the microscope of never ending scrutiny. There is no point in comparing my life to that of my peers, we aren’t in the same place, and it’s not a competition.

It would be nice to feel like a relationship could be possible one day. As I always say, I would’ve liked the choice, but I feel its been taken away from me with my diagnosis. I know it’s even more unlikely if I don’t make some changes to my attitude. I’d admire the ‘like it lump it’ and ‘this is me’ attitudes of other cancer patients I follow on social media, but it’s just not me.

Perhaps I’ve met a man I could be with, but I’ve been too busy keeping barriers up and focussing on my health that I haven’t even noticed? The idea having a relationship still feels so unlikely; like a fictional version of my life that will never really play out into reality. Who knows! Despite how positive things are looking In terms of my treatment I feel deep down no one wants to be with a terminal cancer patient. In the back of my mind I feel I don’t deserve it because my cancer status doesn’t make me a worthy candidate.

To be honest, I wouldn’t even know where to start. For the past nine years I’ve put my body through so much, including multiple operations and some brutal treatment options which have multiple side effects and leave there own harsh physical and mental scars. Sometimes it’s too much to deal with.

In order to move forward I need to accept what I’ve been through, and hopefully learn to be happy in myself first and foremost. I am a huge worrier, I am am not sure I can be truly happy and content in myself when I often feel my body is trying to kill me. Every day I panic things will take a bad turn again. Cancer has magnified fears I didn’t have before, however It’s goes without saying that it has also highlighted the strength I can find within to keep going. I must stop beating myself up over my diagnosis and worrying I could have changed things. In this instance it doesn’t always feel like time is a healer!

Here’s to waking up tomorrow and feeling more over the weather than under it! And a happy goodbye to the Valentines gifts and paraphernalia for another year.

“Self-love is not selfish. You cannot truly love another until you know how to love yourself”

Blue Monday

According to reports, a combination of bad weather, post-Christmas financial struggles and failed new year’s resolutions make today the most depressing day of the year, aka Blue Monday. This is the day when we as a nation are supposedly the most miserable; the nights and long and the days are dark, and its still a week until pay day! Understandably, all these factors contribute to feeling a bit low at this time of year, however I read that the term was originally made up by a travel company as a gimmick to sell summer holidays a few years ago. Interesting!

As my treatment cycle takes place on a Monday, I’ve had my fair share of my own Blue Mondays over the past few years. My low feelings are not dictated by a formula, or specific date in the calendar so I’m not sure Blue Monday is as legit and some make it out to be, however it can only be a good thing if it encourages people to talk about feelings and therefore acts a chance to break down stigma and in turn raise awareness of mental health issues. I’ve made no secret of my struggles over the past few years, but more specifically over the last 18 months.

I’ve not written a blog post since the start of January, mainly because I haven’t felt like I’ve got much to say, but I’m also consciously trying to cut down on my technology and social media use, particularly during the working week. While social media is an incredible tool, sometimes aimlessly scrolling through apps doesn’t help my my mental state, and I am sure I am not alone in that. It’s certainly not one to help on a Blue Monday! As I wrote my previous post Goals For 2019, I am trying to shift the focus to doing more of the things I enjoy, such a cooking and socialising.

Yesterday I made two dishes for the week; a leek, potato and pea soup from a recipe by Jamie Oliver, and Deliciously Ella’s warming winter curry recipe. My week feels more manageable if I’ve done some prep which means I don’t have to come home and think about what to cook for dinner. I find the working week tiring enough! I’ve enjoyed doing a bit more baking recently and I also made some very questionable looking (but very tasty) cinnamon rolls. Baking was about the only activity I took part in when I was living back at home after I had my first operations to remove an brain tumour and lung tumour around eight years ago. It was something creative I could do without the need leave the house. Encouraged by my family, baking a cake gave me a goal to aim for and I found solace in this solo activity. The first recipe book I was a given was the Hummingbird Bakery Cookbook and I’ve gather a collection of books over the years, from Mary Berry, 15 Minute Meals to Part-Time Vegetarian to name a few. For Christmas I was given two new books, New York Cult Recipes and The Little Swedish Kitchen.

As well as being organised for the week ahead I’m going to go for a walk this morning to go to a local cafe on my way to the gym before going home to work. Nothing says Happy Monday more that a nice little treat too start the week. I know there will be plenty more Blue Mondays and down days to come, so making the most of the good days when I feel well in myself is really important.

Goals For 2019

I am not really a fan of new year, and setting resolutions, let’s be real, Its probably not going to happen, so why am I pretending! Like many years, I just hope I’ll be well enough to see the next one in! I have problems which I know cannot be solved, and trying to force myself to be someone new just because it’s a new year isn’t going to make those problems disappear.

I came across the below quote on instagram the other day and thought it summed up perfectly exactly what I should be focussing on over the next year and beyond.

“So, what if, instead of thinking about solving your whole life, you just think about adding additional good things. One at a time. Just let your pile of good things grow.”

2018 has been a year with some huge highs but also some massive lows. I think the whole ‘coming of age’ thing has been a huge part of my insecurities and I have really struggled with my mental health. As each year begins, I start to worry about the year ahead, and the challenges life may throw at me, both with or without cancer. It’s hard enough being a single 30 something trying to get by in life without having a serious illness to contend with. I have a GP appointment next week, followed by pre treatment bloods and then I am back in for chemotherapy mid-January. Although a Christmas break is much needed, it doesn’t take much for the focus to shift back to the dreaded C word. I’ve come up with a short list of things I am going to try and do to make life seem a little less daunting each day, just taking some time for myself to focus on non-cancer related successes or key moments. Not a resolution which will no doubt be broken, but key things to try and help me live my life as well and happily as I can.

Make regular lists of things that make me feel happy…and do more of them

This could be something small like going out for brunch with a friend or family member, calling a friend I’ve not seem or spoken to in a while, or going out for a walk and getting some fresh air. If I make a list then I hope I’ll put more effort into doing them again because i know they bring me joy. I used to be a huge theatregoer, having graduated with a drama degree before my stage 4 diagnosis, but I could count on one hand the amount of times I’ve been to the theatre (non work related) in 2018, and feel so out of the loop with what is happening in theatre land, even though I practically work in the West End. I need to put more of a focus on doing things for myself, no matter how small they may seem. I love the theatre so I want to try and add this as one of my additional good things over the next year. Not doing this seemingly obvious things makes me feel like I’ve lost my way slightly and in turn lost a bit of my personality. Do shout if anyone has any good theatre recommendations, both London and beyond.

Spend time with supportive people

It’s important for everyone to be around good people, or in situations where there is a lot of support. We need radiators and not drains in our life, a good friend of mine uses this analogy often and it really hits the nail on the head. Radiators are those who give warmth, those who gave something back to others. They naturally have their own problems and situations where they need support, but generally, seeing them, or interacting with them is a hugely positive experience. For me, these are the ones who lift me up and listen, those who make me feel better about the injustice of the world. Drains are the opposite; those who drain energy and take more from the friendship than they give and don’t always listen to others.

Be grateful

No matter how hard it seems we all have something to be grateful for, even on the darkest of days. I went on amazing holidays in 2018, which I am hugely grateful for. My trips in 2019 will be much smaller scale, but it was completely worth it and the experience will stay with me. Apparently those who take time to notice and reflect upon the things they’re thankful for can experience more positive emotions, it’s a no brainier really. Focus on the good! Being grateful doesn’t need to be reserved for big occasions, but simple daily activities that bring joy. Part of this also includes thinking more carefully about my use of social media, and be sure to use it for good, rather than comparing my life and my successes and failures to people online and feeling bad about it. I must remember I survived the last year and I am grateful for that. My ultimate goal is to stay alive!

Here’s to 2019!

The Truth About Depression

The truth about depression is that there is no one size fits all approach, it affects people in different ways; young or old, male or female, the experience differs for everyone. I have been experiencing depression in some form for a number of years and I can say with 100% certainty that cancer is the major reason why I feel the way I do.

As a society we tend to define happiness by some key factors; health, work, location and relationships. The idea is that if a person has all of these plates spinning at the same time, they will be content and happy, however if one falls that person becomes unbalanced.

I feel I live in a constant state of flux, only having stability in some areas means I’m loosing focus on what is good in my life, and small changes can feel like the icing on top of the cake, like all my spinning plates are crashing down and breaking into pieces all at once. On social media I keep reading the phrase “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade”. Turns out I didn’t get any lemons, but instead got given a pile of shit, and what do I make with that…a shit sandwich?!?!

As a cancer patient I need options, and I need hope that things will get better, and living with terminal illness has meant I’ve been frequently deprived of these, halting my ability to try and move forward with my life. I feel I am frozen in time, like I’ve heard there is huge storm coming but there isn’t anywhere I can run and hide for shelter. I am not asking for the world, just some hope that my life will get easier. I don’t aspire to look like the Instagram influencers I’ve never met online, likewise I don’t want to be paid a lot of money to travel from country to country documenting my life. I only want a life to live in the first place. I just want to be happier, I don’t think that is asking a lot.

Depression isn’t about feeling down for a few hours when I wake up in the morning, It’s the constant cycle of highs and lows and it becomes more obvious when I start having more bad days than good ones. A lot of changes recently have made me feel I am going through a particularly dark stage and last week I burst into tears because the warning light came on in my car and I only had an MOT and service a couple of months ago. Out of the blue something small acts as a trigger and I fall apart over and over again, but each time I put myself back together I am missing another piece. Of course, it’s not really about the car, however it becomes another issue that has to be sorted out, another reason why I feel I am failing. Depression is one extreme to another, I’m either high with happiness or feel like I am falling down and no one will be able to catch me. I believe the voice in my head telling me negative thoughts and leaving me feeling hopeless for days at a time.

Some days are better – for a split second I feel that maybe, just maybe I will start to feel human again one day. Depression is serious and ugly and affects so many people from all backgrounds and walks of life, it doesn’t just disappear when you’ve had enough, but manifests over time. I am not going to wake up tomorrow morning and decide not to feel hopeless because that isn’t how it works.

I’ve read books where people have said they have a new appreciation for life since they were diagnosed with a serious illness, that the small things in life become more significant. I don’t jump out of bed every day grateful to be alive singing happy tunes at the top of my lungs, and no one else does it either! I am constantly told I’ve been lucky so far, so feel I should be eternally grateful. It goes without saying that of course I know it could be much worse, but I don’t see others celebrating in some special way just for being alive. I’d be fine with my lifestyle and accept the all things I can’t have if I felt I had some element of control, and could potentially live a long and healthy life. It’s not easy to believe everything will work itself out when I’ve been fighting fires for the last eight years.

Currently It’s not one particular thing that makes me emotional, it’s the whole process of being a terminally ill patient. It feels like everything and nothing at the same time. I am an outsider in a world full of insiders and It’s no coincidence that cancer has affected the way my life has panned out thus far, and I’ve failed because of it and I’m constantly trying to look for answers in a world where they don’t exist. It has changed every single aspect of my life and each day there are multiple reminders thrust in my face which only serve to highlight exactly why I am depressed. It could be seeing my scars in the mirror, using my Freedom Pass or Please Offer Me A Seat badge to travel, my constant blood tests, GP visits, the struggle it takes to get myself out of bed and go to work, and the antidepressants I take when I wake up each day. I have been having what I like to call ‘mini-breakdowns’ over the last 4 weeks so I feel an adjustment of my medication is needed.

I am now at an age where 85% of my peers are getting married, having children and buying houses. Cancer aside, when I was in my twenties I felt I had a lot of close friends and allies doing similar things to me, but now I am the odd one out. It doesn’t feel so bad being in a group, but nowadays It can feel isolating. It’s so difficult not to compare myself to other people when I’m surrounded by what I am missing out on every single day, and I feel like I am a failure in comparison.

I feel like the chance at a future has been taken away from me, which is a major issue when in comes to relationships. How do I find ‘The One’ when I feel there won’t ever be anyone for me? Nobody could take on the burden of my illness, I don’t want someone to care for me, just about me, I want someone that can help pick me up when I am down. Having not settled down with someone in my early 20s I can’t give a man the future they deserve because I believe I wouldn’t be enough, and quite frankly feel I don’t deserve it. In reality my life is far from the disney fairytales everyone seems to hope for. The thought will always in the back of my mind that If I take a turn for the worst, would someone want to be there with me side by side until the bitter end? Not exactly the opening line of a dating profile. What I do know is how precious life is. It is fragile and uncertain, I know what it’s like to be told that cancer is in multiple organs and what it’s like to spend hours attached to a chemotherapy drug pump fighting for my life. I can’t bring someone in to that life.

I’m not angry at friends for being settled and having children, but am I sad for myself I can’t do that? yes 100%. I am only human after all, and although I don’t blame anyone for my sorry excuse at adulting it is extremely hard and unsettling right now. However, I don’t think of other peoples problems as insignificant to mine; I know people have awful times too which I could never relate to, and they aren’t less valid because they don’t have stage 4 cancer.

Being upset doesn’t mean I don’t want to see people and their children. However I have to acknowledge it is a challenge because my options are non-existent in comparison. I feel like an outcast when I compare myself to others, and I often need to do some self preservation, but I know it’s not other people’s fault. It would be easier to try and blame someone, however my life a series of unique and entirely unfair circumstances that I cannot control. Right now I am emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted and feel I can only pick myself back up again so many times before I collapse into a heap on the floor.

Cancer has a lot to answer for and sometimes I feel worthless, as though I’m running around in circles trying to catch up with my friends; but we are not even in the same race! My path is going on a different route to that of my peers who all seem like they are running alongside each other. For years I’ve been held back because of my diagnosis, so I guess It no coincidence that I don’t fit in. I only want a fraction of what other people have, just some stability and options in life. I don’t feel like I am asking for much. It is unsettling and frightening standing in my shoes without options, like being given a series of multiple choice quiz questions with no answers to pick from. 

Standing Up To Cancer

Friday evening saw the annual Stand Up to Cancer telethon air on Channel 4. The night is a televised fundraising campaign between Cancer Research UK and Channel 4, that aims to bring people together to speed up progress in life-saving cancer research. Stand Up To Cancer donations help to fund research, which takes developments in the labs and accelerates them into brand new tests and treatments for cancer patients.

The charity telethon concluded late Friday night with the public in the UK having raised an incredible £24 million for cancer research and support, this is a huge £8.6 million increase on the £16 million raised two years ago. What incredible figures! It’s certainly shows the power of television and social media in raising awareness. Some of the patient stories were very emotional and hard hitting, it’s often to strange to think I am one of them, with my place in the stage 4 cancer club fully cemented.

The evening also saw TV appearances from You, Me and the Big C podcast hosts Debs (aka Bowelbabe) and Lauren (aka Girl vs Cancer). It’s great that they are continuing to break down barriers around cancer and the way it’s spoken about. I’d highly recommend the podcast they created with Rachel (aka Big C. Little Me.) for anyone who is unfortunate enough to be going through something similar.

I am debating taking on another hiking challenge next year, and watching parts of the Stand Up to Cancer programme has made me more determined to continue to raise funds and awareness despite my current injury. I have tendinitis in my right heel (most likely triggered from previous challenges including my most recent half marathon). The next trek isn’t until April 2019 so hopefully I’ve got plenty of time to get treatment on my ankle and get fit in preparation to take on the Jurassic Coast trek with Trekstock. Now I know what to expect from the last challenge I’ll need to take on some serious training this time around, perhaps some personal training and HIIT classes as well as waking. Anyone want to join me?

Although I participated in regular walks last time I don’t think anything could have prepared me for the reality of how mental and physically tough the whole weekend climbing the Lake District 5 Peaks was. I was a complete wreck! Still, time is a healer and I am ready for something new. I am determined to keep on standing up to cancer and carrying on as best I can.

The Perks Of Pembrolizumab

Last week it was reported that two scientists behind groundbreaking Immunotherapy developments had won the annual Nobel Prize for Physiology or Medicine for their work on Immunotherapy.

This is big (and incredible) news within the cancer world! It got me thinking about all the positives which come alongside taking a newer, cleaner drug like Pembrolizumab. I’m continuing on treatment indefinitely which is hard to get my head around, but It’s safe to say I wouldn’t be alive without it! I just have to suck it up and keep on going.

Professor James Allison and Professor Tasuku Honjo discovered how to fight cancer using the body’s own immunise system, which eventually led to treatments for advance melanoma and has transformed the way it’s treated. My current Immunotherapy drug Pembrolizumab is now also being used to treat other cancers such as advanced lung cancer and Hodgkins Lymphoma. The drugs now offers hope to patients like me with previously untreatable cancer! Believe it or not the duos work began in the 1990s and is now starting to pay dividends!

You can read more about the award and the developments in the news section of the Cancer Research UK website, which also includes a few quotes from yours truly! Thanks CRUK!

I’m so happy that research in the area has been funded so far, but my case is one of many, some not as successful! Hopefully research will continue so scientists can fully understand why drugs work for some people and not others and how it can developed to become even more successful.

Ipilimumab (aka Yervoy), which I took a few years ago was one of the first drugs developed using the scientists discovery, with Pembrolizumab and Nivolumab following closely behind.

I started thinking about all the perks of taking this drug compared to some of my previous treatments. Going through endless cycles treatment is like crossing a battlefield every day. I need to keep thinking about the positive aspects to help keep a positive mindset, and it might help someone else too!

My hair and eyebrows have grown back since my treatment change, for me this is a huge success! I ask look well (partly thanks to the hair and eyebrows!) therefore not like your typical cancer patient; this does wonders for my mental health, but I know often people don’t always appreciate how unwell I am if they can’t see the evidence for themselves.

The side effects for me have been a lot less than on previous systemic treatments, including Vemurafenib which caused me many more problems such as frequent vomiting, skin rashes, bad stomach, headaches and joint pains to name a few. I will sometimes still experience these side effects, but to a much lesser degree than previously. My current main side effects are fatigue and vitiligo, and although these get me down frequently, (see my previous post Tired of Being Tired) I know I’ve come really far over the past two and a half years.

The infusion of the chemo itself is only 30 minutes, I know some people end up hooked up to machines for the best part of a working day receiving other types of chemotherapy. On a really really good day I might only be physically hooked up to a drip stand for a hour or so. Sure, that hour feels like an eternity, and there’s an awful lot of waiting around in between appointments etc, but it could be much worse. Today I had a really long day at the hospital, but I have to remind myself it’s all for the greater good!

Some weeks, when not seeing my consultant or one of my oncology team I only have to visit my hospital for the treatment in the afternoon, making the whole experience far less pain staking!

I’ve spent much less time as an inpatient on a hospital ward that with previous treatments. Three years ago it felt like I was constantly visiting my local A&E due to various side effects and having numerous blood transfusions, but so far so good with Pembrolizumab.

I hope that in the future this drug will be developed into a tablet, meaning a lot less visits to hospital for patients like me, considering how advanced chemotherapy treatments are becoming I would it’s not too much of a distant dream. Until then I just have to grit my teeth and keep going.

Becoming An Adventurer

I am about half way through my holiday right now, so far I’ve visited Phuket and Chiang Mai in Thailand. I’ve created some wonderful memories, taking me well and truly out of my comfort zone, perhaps I am more of an adventurer than I thought!

The main reason for booking the holiday was to be a bridesmaid for my school friend in Phuket. In total there was a group of about 50 people who had travelled from England to watch the beautiful couple say ‘ I do’. It was so much fun spending time with friends and their families, as it wouldn’t happen ordinarily. Cancer has been very far from my mind, especially sipping coconut water from a real coconut at a beach bar overlooking the ocean! The venue and wedding itself were beautiful, it was an idillic setting, despite the delayed start due to a storm. I can’t wait to see all the photos.

Whilst in Phuket my friend and I took a day trip to Phi Phi, it was stunning however the weather was awful, making the boat journey very scary, however we made it there and back in one piece and lived to tell the tale. Whilst there we took a long boat out from the shore went snorkelling. Not one of my usual weekend activities and very much in my red zone of being scary and unsafe (not the fish, but the boat itself).

I’ve also eaten numerous times on my own, apart from day time cafe jaunts to write blog posts I would never have dreamt of going out to a restaurant for dinner alone whilst in London. ‘Table for one’ just doesn’t seem like the done thing, but when on holiday anything goes!

After my Phuket adventures I flew North and explored Chiang Mai for four days, I’ve found it to be a relaxed and friendly city, and I’ve been able to continue my down time. A few months ago I booked a trip to an Elephant Jungle Sanctuary which feels like a must when in Chiang Mai. As many people know I am not a really an animal person, so getting up close was an interesting experience. You can see form my Instagram photos that I’m pretending I’m not petrified!

Despite having a huge cold (mainly thanks to air conditioning) I’ve enjoyed the time alone; being able to wonder around and not worry about anyone else is a bonus. I’ve slowly been loosing my voice, I’m sure it’s down to a mixture of the cold and not speaking to people very often, I’m just glad it’s nothing more serious.

On paper this trip was one of the most scary things I’ve ever done, I thought spending so much time alone would be boring and was worried thoughts of cancer, dying abroad and my upcoming scan towards the end of the month would take over, not having anyone there to distract me. Two destinations down, and two to go! Perhaps I am becoming more adventurous? So far it’s been a success, I’ve been too busy exploring to think about cancer. All the negativity surrounding my illness is very far from my mind, I just hope it lasts when I get back home.

Read All About It

A quick blog post to update people on my latest media venture.

A little earlier in the year I was interviewed for Mail On Sunday’s YOU Magazine, and the article comes out this Sunday (22 July).

The piece focusses on my story, talking about my cancer experience so far and how my family and friends have helped me navigate through the toughest journey of my life.

I hope it helps to raise further awareness of what it is like to live with stage 4 cancer, and all the ups and downs that come alongside it. In the article, I talk about my initial diagnosis, treatments so far, my work / life balance and raising money for charities such as Trekstock, who have been a huge help to me over the past couple of years. Nowadays I struggle to remember what it was like to live without cancer, to live my life and not feel as though I am in constant fear every single day. Cancer will always be part of my life, so it’s important to acknowledge that, but it is not all I am about.

If you’re able, do go and pick up a copy and have a read over your breakfast / exercise session / bath on Sunday morning. Thank you so much to the lovely Rosalind, Charlotte and all the team at YOU Magazine.

UPDATE: You can read the online version here

Independence Day

I write my latest blog post for America on July 4th, celebrating Independence Day with one of my oldest and closest friends. Unsurprisingly I’ve felt really happy and content during our trip so far, as I’m removed from the realities of my daily life. It’s exactly two years since I started taking Pembrolizumb after my second bowel surgery to remove a tumour from my small bowel.

Thanks to Pembrolizumab I’m celebrating another kind of Independence Day; one that is free from cancer and all the worries that come alongside it. I’m in full on vacation mode right now and it feels lovely to have a long break from work and get some headspace.

Ten years ago at the age of 21 I studied in America as part of my university degree and I made some incredible friends from all over the world along the way. I was lucky enough to be a bridesmaid for one of my closest friends in Maryland over the weekend. America and the people I met remain very special to me, and I feel very fortunate I’ve been able to return to the states over the last decade, even though there have been times when I felt it would never be possible again.

Looking back, I wish I’d gone travelling on my gap year, however nowadays I feel even more grateful that I was able to experience living in another country as a young 20 something.

Health insurance can mean the America ends up being one of the no-go places for cancer patients, particularly those who haven’t been given the all clear or are classed as in remission, however I managed to get a reasonable insurance cover policy through a company called Insurance With. They recognise Immunotherapy treatments alongside chemotherapy which has made the insurance process much easier.

I’ve been caught up with everything at home over the last few months; a new job, moving house, a charity trek and the never ending cycle of hospital appointments. So much so that I hadn’t realised I need to take some time out. Walking through a stunning National Park yesterday made me feel like I hadn’t a care in the world, I’ve been so relaxed in the beautiful setting in Maine I’d even forgotten what day it was. I’ve been spending time with my oldest friend who I only see around once a year, so it’s even more special. If you follow my social media you’ll see my various holiday photos.

Often I feel as though I’m living in the shadows of the life I had before, but not today. Despite tiredness and aches and pains from hiking up a beautiful mountain yesterday I’m ready for a new day. It seems crazy to think just over a week ago I was having Chemotherapy back home, my 34th cycle of Pembrolizumab. What a difference a few days can make! I have vivid memories of having this drug for the first time; I remember the smell of medicine and cleaning products on the ward and the long wait for treatment whilst sitting in a side room. I thought the wait was a one off before I understood how the drug is made at the hospital pharmacy.

Two years is a long time to constantly receive treatment, especially as I’d been on other treatments before, but I’ve been given another two years of a good life, so no complaints there.

Happy Independence Day!

Confidently Speaking About Cancer

It seems that for the most part I can write blog posts about my feelings, even speak on national television about my cancer journey, but often when It comes to smaller settings, or even a one-to-one, I clam up and become emotional. Having cancer has affected my confidence in so many ways, it varies each day depending on how I am feeling.

I can struggle to express things to friends and family, often just opting for telling people I am ok, but I don’t mind frequently sharing my thoughts online for anyone who wants to read. I don’t quite understand why I react in this way. Perhaps because some forms of sharing feel like the are more for the ‘greater good’, and could help others as well as myself, so somehow feels more worthwhile. In some ways I feel more detached from my story, but if an individual asks me about my hospital visits, even if I know them really well, I start forming tears almost instantly. My confidence levels can change daily, I certainly don’t feel confident when I am having my treatment on the chemo suite surrounded by lots of other unfortunate people. During one of my recent visits I had what I would describe as a breakdown moment. sitting in the chair waiting for my drugs to arrive I became overwhelmed with negative thoughts and burst into tears. Life is unfair, it really is, I needed a good cry that day, but no amount of crying will change my situation. One of the nurses kindly pulled the curtain around the area I was sitting (not that a flimsy blue curtain is at all soundproof) and went to get and get my mum who was in the waiting room.

A friend asked me a few months ago if I had considered filming a blog or starting a podcast, but the idea scares me much more than writing things down. With a vlog or podcast it is different; I feel I would be judged in so many other ways, and feel as though I wouldn’t have anything new to say. What if no one watches it except my parents, and, if people do, I fear it won’t be interesting or engaging enough. Vlogging or creating a podcast seems like a bigger investment somehow. Who really wants to know what I did on a day off? I also don’t like the sound of my own voice; it is my voice however, and it isn’t going to change, so I should just be comfortable with it. I also have a lot of scars, including a particularly huge one of my neck form my original melanoma site, so the thought of creating a video where I am the subject feels strange to me. When Sue Bourne and he team filmed me for A Time To Live they followed me around for a few days, I got to know the small crew and felt secure with them. I still think I look odd and slightly uncomfortable on camera though!

If someone was asked to describe me I’m not sure what they would say; in some ways I’m confident, but in other ways I feel cancer has crushed my confidence and I can’t move forward. On the outside I seem fine, but on the inside it can be a different story. My fear with vlogging would be that others would be hoping to see a happy person or hear encouraging words on how to be powerful and strong and brave, but I often don’t feel that way. People want to see positive stories, but what if I can’t give that? Not every day is a good day, I try to muddle though as best I can.

I’m often happy with my own company, or having the house to myself for a night, but cancer is a lonely place, and I don’t think I benefit from having down time, as it’s gives me too much room to think. Towards the end of 2017 I felt I was in a dark place and was prescribed antidepressants which I’ve now been taking for over six months. This has helped take the edge of and feel like I can still get through a day unscathed. Often, if I am around people I trust and love I can be the most chatty person in the room, but put me in front of  new people and it is a different story all together and my confidence is non existent. Ultimately I am just me and I should accept it, but cancer has changed me forever in so many ways, and I can’t go back to the younger, carefree, drama student version of myself.