Why Everybody Needs To Wear Sun Cream

The recent change in the weather and the feeling of summer in the air has made me think more about the importance of wearing sun cream. Its important to highlight just how dangerous sun exposure or the desire for a tan could be. Although over-exposure to the sun is not how I got Melanoma, it would be silly for me not to start talking about it, as its something I think about frequently. In some cases situations such as mine could be avoided or prevented altogether, and I don’t want any one else to go through an ordeal such as the one I’ve been going through for the past 11 years.

I’ve spent many sleepless nights wondering if there was anything I could have done to stop this from happening to me, I think the ‘what if’ question will always be there at the back of my mind, along with a pang of guilt for the situation I now find myself in. I’ve never been a sun worshipper, and always cover up as much as possible, but the worry will always be present. I’ve been told my Melanoma would have developed regardless of the climate I live in. Still, regardless It’s easy to know the right thing to do after something has happened, but it’s always hard to predict the future.

As the summer weather reaches it peak I have a feeling I will see more news articles and images of sun burnt brits on social media often accompanied by laughing emojis or captions such as “LOL”. It’s difficult to comprehend why people don’t take this seriously, its no laughing matter. According to the Macmillan website, each year about 14,500 people in the UK are diagnosed with Melanoma, and it is one of the most common cancers in young people aged 15 to 34.

Often skin damage doesn’t show up straight away, perhaps a few weeks, months or even years later, with increased fine lines and wrinkles, and even skin discolouration. It is a vital part of a skin care routine which often gets forgotten about. Wearing sunscreen on a daily basis is the best thing to do to keep skin looking youthful and healthy. I know many people who wouldn’t go out of the house without make-up but chose not to protect their skin against UV radiation. If I am being truly honest it baffles and upsets me that people don’t take this seriously despite knowing about my Stage 4 diagnosis. It’s not healthy or good for a persons to expose themselves to such extreme conditions which our bodies are not built for. Our skin is the largest and fastest-growing organ and needs protecting just the same as the other organs in our body. Cancer does not discriminate, not matter who you are. Bob Marley passed away from Melanoma in 1981 after it began under the nail of one of his toes. It just goes to show we are all at risk no matter what climate we live in or ethnic background we come from.

I so grateful that my Mum made me get my suspicious mole on my neck looked at when I was younger. Once she spoke to me about it I developed a bad feeling about it almost instantly. I remember clearly raising these concerns with my Dad when staying at his house one weekend. I’m fortunate that the GP referred me so quickly, It just goes to show that If you have an overwhelming feeling that something isn’t quite right, you should trust their instincts and pay a visit to the GP. As the saying goes, if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. I for one know my own body and what feels right or wrong. Often others seem hesitate to book a GP appointment because they consider their aliment to be something minor, or not worthy of the time of a professional, and we all know how stretched the NHS is. I’ve learnt that nothing is minor when it comes to your health and wellbeing, it is what the service is there for in the first place after all. When I was diagnosed with a brain tumour I had a few friends tell me that it prompted them show suspicious moles to their Doctors.  I know people who have since had moles removed as a result of a routine visit to the GP. Action such as this are great, and I am pleased people have been so proactive, but it shouldn’t take such an life altering event for this to have an effect on people. If in doubt, get it checked out!

I am fighting to stay alive due to an illness that is beyond my control, but there is a chance for others that it could be prevented. The side effects such as nausea, fatigue, diarrhoea, hair loss, rashes, joint pain, itching, headaches and reduced appetite are bad enough let alone the stress and physical and mental trauma of actually going for treatment at hospital every three weeks.

Naturally people should continue to enjoy the sunshine over the next few months if they wish, but I would ask anyone reading this think twice before heading outside without sun protection. I hope most of the tans I will see are from a spray can or bottle.

Not An Average Morning 

This week has undoubtedly been one of the strangest weeks of my life. I began with treatment in hospital, part of my normal routine. Tuesday was followed by a live interview on This Morning on ITV with none other than Holly and Phil, and a double show day at the theatre. The BBC docoumentaty I participated in, A Time To Live aired on Wednesday evening on BBC2. I flew to Prague on Wednesday morning to visit friends prior to the film going out, so all in all it’s been a bit of a whirlwind. 

After filming my interviews for A Time To Live last October I put all thoughts about it on the back burner, and they only resurfaced a couple of weeks ago when the air date was confirmed. In a way I’m glad that I was out of the country, as I might have found if difficult watching with others. My section features cameo appearances from both my work colleagues and school friends, but I’m glad I watched it on my own, seeing the whole thing come together felt like a really big accomplishment.

I was lucky enough to be asked by the BBC press office if I’d be interesting in taking part in an interview on the This Morning sofa with Holly and Phil with Annabel, another participant from the documentary. Certainly not an average Tuesday morning activity! 

It’s true, the prestenters are lovely in real life and made me feel at ease despite my nerves. I can’t believe I actually went on live television, I was panicking I would get tounge tied and say something wrong. One of my friends joked that I should make sure I let the presenters get a word in! I can talk a lot but I don’t think television interviews come naturally, this is why I am not a performer after all. It could be that,  or maybe it’s the lack of talent. 

Having been to TV studios before for work it’s something I’m familiar with but I’m always impressed with the organisation of everyone to keep things running so seamlessly. Usually I am the person arranging interviews for others rather than being interviewed myself, so I’ve experienced the other side of the PR industry. It was a nice treat to get my makeup done before my big moment, I wouldn’t mind that more often. 

Sue Bourne from Wellpark Productions and her whole team have created a beautiful film about living on borrowed time and I am really proud to have been a part of it. The reception has been great, people have sent some really lovely tweets and messages which is surreal but also amazing to know that it’s had an impact on others. It seems a lot of people have found comfort and positivity in watching it. I know if I wasn’t part of it, the film would be the type of documentary I’d watch. 

If you missed it, A Time To Live is now available to watch on BBC iplayer in the U.K. 

Thoughts On Turning 30 With The Big C

This blog post, Thoughts On Turning 30 With The Big C was originally written for Huffington Post UK and posted to coincide with the release of BBC documentary A Time to Live

This month marks a very special occasion, my birthday. Not just any birthday: I turn thirty towards the end of the month. Although some people of my age may shudder at the thought of leaving their twenties behind, I am truly grateful to be able to experience the next decade. There were several points over the past few years when I did not think that I was going to make it. At one point my 25th birthday seemed unlikely to occur. Of course like most twenty-somethings, I am not going to pretend that it has been an easy ride; these have been the most challenging years of my life. Let us just say getting cancer wasn’t on my top of my ‘Top Things To Do Before I turn 30 list’, and as the years progress it is unlikely that life will get any easier. I was initially diagnosed with stage 4 Melanoma in 2010. Since then, I have had tumours removed from my lung and brain as well as two from my bowel. For the last two and half years I have also been the recipient of various different types of systemic treatment. 

A diagnosis such as this means that I can never be cured. It is a case of having treatment to try and alleviate any symptoms and stay alive for as long as possible. I will never be cancer free. My family and friends have had such a significant impact on my recovery, as have the many extraordinary health care professionals who have kept me alive for so long. I believe one of the main reasons that I am here today is because of my positive attitude and that of other people around me. 

In one sense I feel that although I am turning thirty, I am missing out on the whirlwind of mortgages, marriages and typical adulthood. I am not hitting any of traditional milestones expected at my age, I am certainly not the leader of the pack in that domain. Whilst my friends continue to be busy getting engaged, married or having children, I will be spending the first year of my thirties doing the same thing that I have been for the past six and a half years, fighting Melanoma. 

I have my up and downs, there are times when I cannot help think about what could have been, and how my life might have played out, but the truth is I am just happy to be getting older at all. Having cancer means there is no pressure on me to achieve the same objectives as my peers. I have not been travelling or settled down, and I have zero money in savings, I do not work full time, but that is fine since I have cancer to deal with, which is a time consuming job in itself. One that nobody wants.

People have asked what my plans are for the big day, and whether I am going to throw a party to celebrate. The truth is that since my diagnosis I have not really been interested in drinking, dancing, late nights, crowds, loud music or close personal attention, so I do not think it is really for me. I was probably never a fan of those sort of events anyway, and fatigue is a huge issue, so at least having cancer gives me grounds for a good excuse rather than saying ‘it’s just not my thing’.

For me, there are some very different events that have been a cause for celebration, such as the development of new drugs that might help fight Melanoma, and in turn give me the opportunity for more candles on a birthday cake. It is often about the personal successes, such as getting my driving license back after being revoked on medical grounds, a quick recovery from major bowel surgery, or a stable PET CT scan result. It is not a midlife crisis that I am about to hit, in fact it is the opposite. According to headed hospital paper, I am doing really well and I hope that may continue well into my thirties. It might not be what the teenage version of me predicted, but I make do with what I have got. 

As I have grown older I have realised that I need more help that ever before. When I go to hospital for treatment, I get upset and agitated and often regress about 15 years, turning into a stroppy teenager. At least I will always be remembered for being young at heart.
Until you have known what it is to stand at death’s door, and looked over your shoulder to visualise the past, you have not really experienced what it is like to really appreciate life.
It has been difficult to find the words to describe how grateful I am for the life I have been given. I am still here, and I hope for many more celebrations to come. 

Don’t they say life begins at thirty?

A Time To Live 

In October last year I was one of twelve participants interviewed for a documentary about people living with a terminal illness. The documentary, A Time to Live explores the question​ of​ what would you do if you were told you had a terminal diagnosis and may only have months to live?

​For so long I’ve had to face the uncertainty of a Stage 4 cancer diagnosis. I often wonder Why me? Why now? Did I contributed to this? Did I do something wrong? Is there a way I can change the final outcome?

​I haven’t yet fully accepted my diagnosis, and I don’t think I ever will. For me, this something that is an ongoing struggle to accept, but I’m determined to take something positive from it all. This is partly why I started a blog after all.

Blogging is ​a process which ​has helped me be more open about my feelings, and I believe it has also helped my friends and family have a clearer understanding of how I feel about my life ans all its challenges. I also hope my writing has helped other people who may be in similar shoes. For such a long time I thought I was on my own, it turns out thanks to the World Wide Web that I am not. There are plenty of other people, both young and old going through an equally challenging time who are also living their life to the fullest. Isn’t that what you would do?

During the filming I talked about my thoughts and feelings on having cancer and how I deal with the knowledge I have a limited time left on this earth. At 29 It is often hard to believe that my impending death will be much sooner than others. I have no control on the outcome and when that might happen. Do I wish I didn’t know? Yes.

A few years ago I would never have dreamed of being involved with a charity such as Trekstock or being part of something so public as a documentary​. Participanting in this  has allowed me to talk about my diagnosis in such an open way. I may have a drama degree but I am very much a behind the scenes type person! I spend my time organising interviews for others rather than being the one who gets interviewed. My friends and I frequently send documentary recommendations to each other, so it feels bizarre to on the other side of things, Its the sort of thing I would tune in to watch​! alongside programmes such as 24 Hours in A&E, Child of Our Time and anything Louis Theroux does (who doesn’t love a bit of Louis).

The documentary crew filmed me having my eyebrows tattooed and hanging out with some of my friends as well as filming me at work. Its these seemingly ordinary activities which have helped keep me sane, especially since starting active treatment in September 2015. Cancer has became my whole life, not just an inconvenient visit to the hospital every three months, but something that effects my life every single day. I am however a glass half full person, and I hope this comes across in the film.

On that note I’ll shortly be heading away for a few days to Prague, while I still have time to live! Please do tune in if you can, I’m sure it’ll be interesting viewing. You can watch my TV debut A Time to Live on BBC2 on Wednesday 17 May at 9pm.

Huge thanks to Sue and the amazing team that put it together.

A New Reality

Two weeks ago I had an operation at the John Radcliffe Hospital in Oxford which I wrote about in my previous post Another Hospital Stay. The operation was closely followed by another cycle of Pembrolizumab. I didn’t realise how much of an effect a general anaesthetic can have on a person, I’ve had a lot more rest than usual and have been sleeping around 10 – 11 hours a night. This weekend things haven’t gone exactly to plan, having a severe bout of sickness has meant I’ve been on bed rest for the last couple of days, so all my work and bank holiday plans have gone out the window. No mater how much you work towards something, how much time and effort you’ve put in, cancer can take that away from you in an instant. After a couple of frantic calls to the chemotherapy 24 hour emergency helpline fearing that I would need to go into hospital things have now eased off. An unplanned hospital trip is my worst nightmare, and it with it being bank holiday could have been a long ordeal.

I have lots of celebrations coming up in May and a busy few weekends, including a trip to Prague. Its never easy living like this, life isn’t always as it seems from the outside. One minute I’m busying myself with work to distract myself from reality and the next I’m napping for numerous days in a row, or suddenly unwell. I’m either stuffing my face or have no appetite and I’m not really feeling a happy medium at the moment. Situations like this make me wary of making new plans. This summer I am going to six weddings, but I’m now panicking I won’t be able to make it to all of them, no matter how much I want to be there. In the past I’ve missed a number of weddings due to surgery or hospital treatment, so I’ll be hugely grateful if I manage to attend all of these event over the summer months. Cancer is my new reality and I have to take it one step at a time.

I don’t often let things hold me back but sometimes my situation changes rapidly and things become out of my control. Having my operation with one weeks notice was hard, it felt like bad timing, but with treatment cycles every three weeks there was never going to be a good time. I might not always portray it that way, but life isn’t a walk in the part, I struggle a lot with finding balance, I just try make the most of things when I am able to, but sometimes that comes at a price.

I often lay awake at night thinking about my future, and if there will even be one. We all know how this will end, but it’s still impossible to believe! Surely this can’t be my life? Of course the prognosis is bad, but it appears Pembrolizumab has given me a life line for now. Sometimes I don’t know what to think anymore because it doesn’t feel like this is normal. I’m sill working and going about my daily life. How can this really be happening to me? I know I have to accept it as a consequence of being alive, but lately I have been finding that waves of illness and generally feeling exhausted are becoming more and more frequent. It saddens me to think my life has become like this. A new reality.

I know I’m lucky to have lived well for so long, and that despite a few bumps in the road recently, for the most part I am continuing to do so. There are so many people who have been taken too quickly, or far too soon. Shortly after starting my own blog I came across two incredible blogs from melanoma patients who have since passed away, Wrestling Melanoma and Dear Melanoma. Reading these blogs made me realise that I wasn’t the only young person going through such an ordeal, and they gave me the confidence to keep writing about my experiences.

Like many Stage 4 patients I know what’s coming, but I can’t imagine what my family will do when I’m not here anymore. In some ways I refuse to believe it, because for me It would be accepting defeat. I have already been alive for 6 and a half years since my Stage 4 diagnosis, around 5 years longer than predicted. I have learnt that sometimes there are situations which we cannot change, no matter how much we want to. Although we don’t have control over what has happened previously, we are the ones who make our life what it is. I could look at this negative situation and (often rightly so) see nothing but darkness, or I could look and see the glimmers of light which show hope. I guess it is how we deal with these situations shows our true personality.

The bottom line is, it really doesn’t matter what type of cancer someone is diagnosed with, how old they are, or what the overall prognosis is. When your life is on the line and it could be cut short without notice its completely terrifying. Wondering if you are going to live or die or not something anyone should have to go through. It is ok to not have the answers, I know I don’t. Its really difficult to fully understand what goes through another persons head until you’ve experienced that death is there, just waiting for you around the corner. Sadly its a frightening reality for some.

Another Hospital Stay 

On Wednesday I’m due to go into hospital for another short stay, my first and hopefully only one of 2017. Just another day in the life of a stage 4 cancer patient! This time it’s not for Immunotherapy, but for an operation to remove the piece of metal that is protruding from my head and causing me pain. In my post Not Just In My Head I wrote about how my craniotomy scar has caused me a lot of pain over the years, and finally finding out why this was a few months ago. After a couple of consultations and different scans, it appears that the rogue piece of metal is a surgical staple or crainial fixer that was originally used to connect two pieces of bone in my skull back together after my brain tumour removal in 2010. Naturally there shouldn’t be anything poking out of my head! I could try to leave this as it is, however the area around the scar site swells up intermittently, so needs to be dealt with to stop causing me pain.

Last week I went to a pre-operative assessment appointment at the John Radcliffe Hospital in Oxford. During the visit I had various tests to make sure I am fit and well enough for surgery, including an ECG, MRSA swabs and blood tests. One of the nurses in the Nuerology outpatients clinic explained the whole procedure to me, and gave my a swag bag to take home with mouthwash, antiseptic cleanser and nasal ontiment in preparation for surgery. Being a bit of a pro and major operations I had used these before so wasn’t particularly phased by the procedures. The smell of the antiseptic cleanser reminds me of hospitals so I’m sure I will fit right in. Although the operation requires general anaesthetic it’s isn’t major surgery, such as having a tumour removed, it isn’t a life or death situation, but it’s certainly not common or without risks. I am also pretty sure it isn’t supposed to happen! In an odd way I’m looking forward to getting it over with so I can finally lean on both sides of my head again. 

Back in February I returned to the John Radcliffe hospital for perhaps only the second time since my major surgery at the end of 2010. During my consultation I saw the surgeon who performed my original operation, a man essentially credited for saving my life at the time. He explained the removing the fixer is a fairly straightforward procedure, which is always good to know, but that it wasn’t your every day occurrence. I’m not sure what has caused it, but these random things always seem to happen to me, so I’ve learnt not to be shocked. I always seem to be reminded that I am ‘not the norm’. The Surgeon asked how I had been since I last saw him, and remarked that I looked well, to which I responded ‘well, I am still alive so that a bonus’. A bonus indeed given the dire prognosis I had, expecting the surgery might buy me more time, a few months at best rather than years. 

Often my hospital stays are not planned, so at least this time I am able to pack and overnight bag. I’m really glad I will be seeing my old Surgeon for the operation, it makes me feel much calmer knowing that he knows my case and isn’t just going in there blind. More often that not I’ve found myself in an A&E hospital bed with no clean clothes or a phone charger, so planning ahead feels like a bonus. There is nothing worse than feeling unprepared and uninformed.

I keep reminding myself it’s just a short hospital stay and a few stitches so I am hoping I will feel fine by the weekend. Now I’m off to remove my nail varnish in preparation. 

Maintaining Mental Health

I’ve learnt a lot about the importance of exercise and it’s health benefits over the last few years. This has been most important in terms of my mental health.

I’ve dabbled at being a gym goer from time to time over the years, but it was only really about two and a half years ago, after my first bowel operation that I began going to yoga and pilates classes. Right now I am not really able to exercise in the same way I did 18 months ago, I feel much more fatigued on immunotherapy drug Pembrolizumab than I did when I was taking oral drug Vemurafenib. This is largely due to the frequency of the three week treatment cycles. I often feel too tired and lack the energy to exert myself, however I know that maintaining a good but gentle exercise routine will have huge benefits on my mental state and health as I move forward. In one of my previous posts, What Having Cancer Has Taught Me I wrote about the need to be kind to my body and not expect so much in the weeks post infusion.

Allowing myself to do some gentle exercise such as yoga, or go for a pre-work 5k jog along the Regent’s Canal gives me a short break from thinking about illness, and shows me that my body is capable of fighting back. Doing this is a great form of escapism, I’m trying so hard to concentrate of my breathing I don’t have time to think about anything else! I don’t ever finish an gym session or short jog and wish I hadn’t done it, it is common knowledge that exercise releases endorphins, so it makes me feel good that I am challenging myself.

I’ve been involved with young adult cancer charity Trekstock since Autumn last year. It is through this charity that I took part in RENEW,  a free 12 week exercise programme for young adults affected by cancer. Taking part in this gave me the opportunity to work with a top-level personal trainer and develop a tailor made exercise plan I could easily follow. Over the course of the 12 weeks I received complimentary gym membership to YMCA Club on Tottenham Court Road, and had frequent sessions with a wonderful trainer called Victoria. I decided to start the programme as I had been going to the gym regularly until my most recent bowel operation in May 2016. I had even taken part in a half marathon, but once I’d had the operation felt it I no longer had the motivation to exercise. After all, I’d be exercising for almost two years and I’d still become really unwell again, I felt deflated and wondered why I bothered in the first place. What was the point? It’s wasn’t going to cure me.

Taking part in this programme has taught me how to work with my body, not against it. I know I can’t push it too hard, but I don’t always have to be breaking out in a sweat to make a difference. Mentally it has really helped me to keep a positive outlook. RENEW gave me the confidence to start exercising again, and I’ve since ran a 10k for Cancer Research UK. Being part of the programme was instrumental in my decision to take part in the run and have a new goal to aim for. I am pleased to say I am now back into a semi-regular gym and yoga class routine, often attending a great yoga studio East of Eden in East London. The key to this is that I don’t beat myself up if I don’t have time to go for a few days, its simply not worth it. My body needs rest as sleep as much as it does exercise. The 6am wake up calls just aren’t worth It when I crave sleep.

Even though the routine is often slightly sporadic, keeping up exercise is very important to me, it allows me to have some control over how I feel, and being part of the Trekstock programme has definitely made me feel motivated. For me, It’s not about aesthetic goals at all, I read a quote on Instagram recently that said ‘Don’t miss out on 95% or your life just to weigh 5% less’, I couldn’t agree more. The important part is feeling good within myself.

Cancer has knocked my confidence a thousand times over, especially loosing my hair and my skin becoming overly sensitive. There was a time when this first started happening that I was constantly plagued by thoughts that people around me were looking at me, and they could tell I was unwell. It’s amazing how much a little exercise can help mental wellbeing and motivate me.

Having cancer is mentally draining to say the least, and the frequency of doctors appointments and hospital visits often add to my anxiety. However, I look at life with a ‘glass half full’ attitude, and the programme has really helped me continue this. I know a lot of people who aren’t so positive, which I do find frustrating at times. I could do nothing and laze around all day, and that’s fine occasionally, but it won’t be any good in the long term. I need to focus on the future and expect that I will be on this earth for a long time to come. If not then where does that leave me? I’ll only be negative and undoubtedly feel much worse. I’d encourage everyone to take on the ‘glass half ful attitude’, focus on the good in life rather than dwelling on what is missing.

 

What Having Cancer Has Taught Me

During the past few weeks I’ve been thinking a lot about my situation and what I’ve learnt from it. Being unwell has taught me a lot, including some valuable lessons. Of course, I would change this all in a heartbeat if I could, but I can’t turn back time.

Cancer has taught me It’s ok to be upset.

Over the past 11 years I’ve tried my hardest to put a positive spin on things, even when feels like there is no hope and I am loosing control altogether. Over the past couple of years, particularly since starting active treatment, I’ve established that that it is fine have down days. I am often my harshest critic and I have to remind myself of this from time to time. I often have days where I feel very emotional, when I wake up in the middle of the night with bad thoughts running through my head, it leaves me feeling emotional and exhausted.

When I wake up in the mornings there is sometimes a brief few seconds when I’ve forgot about having Melanoma, but that respite is all too brief. I reminded of this almost instantly, and I’m constantly plagued by thoughts of cancer and illness throughout the day, about how unfair and cruel life can be and that I can never turn back time. I know It’s ok to cry and be upset, I spend a lot of time holding it in, sometimes it helps, but I don’t think it will do me any favours in the long run. I often think I have bouts of depression, but figure that its understandable considering what my ‘normal’ is.

Every day I have moments that are constantly preoccupied with thoughts of dying, but then then I do my best to move on. If I didn’t my anxiety levels an my heart rate would be through the roof every hour of the day. No one likes being surrounded by negativity all the time, so I try to keep my distance from it.  It’s awful, yes, but right now it could be much worse and my life is so much got than having cancer.

Cancer has taught me a smile goes a long way.

Having a series of regular appointments for treatment means I’m all too over familiar with Leicester Royal Infirmary’s Oncology Suite. It’s a place I know like the back of my hand, and I hate the way it’s not unusual to me. There is an all too familiar smell in the air; of disinfectant, drugs and school  canteens. I feel like I come away at the end of a treatment day smelling of hospitals. When I go to the gym, I don’t even like putting a wristband on because it reminds me of being a hospital patient.

My appointments in the chemotherapy suite for my Immunotherapy often last all day, literally! Being out of the house for 12-13 hours every time is exhausting. Essentially I have to go to get my bloods done, see my Oncologist, and then as long as my team are happy with my bloods I’m ok to have treatment. Due to cost implications the pharmacy at my hospital make up the immunotherapy drugs in large batches, once all the patients who are receiving Pembrolizumab are ready for treatment. It can be very frustrating having an appointment scheduled for a time that is essentially completely fluid depending on other patients and how well staffed departments are that day. Currently I have Pembrolizumab with the same cycle of about six or seven other patients, so I know I’m not the only one playing the waiting game. Being at the hospital is a stark reminder of reality, and it’s challenging being surrounded by other unwell people all day. The staff are great, but the mood on the ward is often very somber. It’s like we’re all on the waiting list for an exclusive club that we don’t actually want to go in or be part of. There are a lot of unhappy or sad looking faces on the ward. In these circumstances I’ve learnt that a smile goes a long way and can often make the world of difference to me when having treatment. It reminds me I am not on my own.  I’m pretty sure every patient there would be somewhere else given the choice, it isn’t a place we get excited about visiting, there are millions of other places I’d rather be.  I try to smile as much as I can, a joke, an offer of a sweet or a smile back from another patient or nurse makes it all a little less painful.

Cancer has taught me to be kind to my body.

Cancer has taught me I need to be kinder to my body than I perhaps once was. Good food, rest and sleep are all key, especially during a treatment week.  Naturally, this doesn’t always happen, but they really go hand it hand with one another, and the combination often makes me feel so much better. I know I shouldn’t underestimate the power of rest, my body needs It. I try to go to the gym regularly, but have decided not to go in the week after I’ve had treatment. It only makes me more exhausted and it’s not worth it. I’ve had rest week during my last two cycles and I think it works well, going to work is a challenge, but it’s doable, so I don’t need to make any more difficult by going to the gym and meeting friends in the days following. Since trailing this, I’ve felt almost back to normal after about six days and ready and energised for whatever is thrown at me. Being kind to my body, and allowing myself to cut it some slack has been really beneficial. What better excuse to have a lazy week and use the cancer card anyway? I need to try and keep my diet varied and healthy, but sometimes this can be easier said than done. I’ve given up chocolate and fizzy drinks over Easter, just to see if I have the will power. I’ve had my moments but on the whole I’ve cut back which is a great.

Cancer has taught me knowledge is power.

Knowledge is power when it comes to feeling in control of my treatment. More often than not I overhear conversations in the Oncology waiting room with other patients and their familIes who seem as though they aren’t necessary as clued up on their treatment and how it’s going as I am. As the youngest person there by at least 30 years maybe it’s a age thing, or perhaps they don’t quite accept how ill they really are?. I like to know where I stand, and what options might be open to me later down the line so I like to keep abreast of developments in cancer treatment in the media. There have been a few breakthroughs in the treatment of Melanoma over the past few years, with Pembrolizumab being a drug I read about prior to recieving it. I sincerely hope they are more to come. On the flip side, there are the Daily Mail type articles which suggest anything and everything have the ability to give you cancer, or stop you getting it in the first place. I’m all for a fad, from chia seeds to my latest discovery of bitter apricot kernels, I agree that every little helps it if makes me feel like I’m doing my bit to help, including cutting out the sugar, but I know eating broccoli everyday isn’t going to cure me. Nothing will cure me now. Call my a cynic, but if one food such as broccoli really was the elixir of life we’d all be getting it by the shed load on the NHS wouldn’t we? Perhaps an annual broccoli jab?

Cancer has taught me I am a strong person.

The most valuable thing I have learnt since having cancer me that I am stronger that I think. Cancer is a huge part of my life but it’s not everything I am about. It doesn’t define me. I am a sister, daughter and friend; I am an aspiring traveller, dance and theatre enthusiast, brunch lover, keen writer, documentary fan, wannabe chef, and a sometime gym goer. I know that I am not really a good runner (despite my best efforts), I am not an avid fiction reader, cyclist, or confident swimmer (I’ve never really been sporty, it’s the lack of coordination, you won’t catch me doing the London – Paris bike ride) I’m not a coffee drinker, or a master at arts and crafts, I can’t hold a tune and I don’t really have a good sense of direction. I am strong though and that’s what counts.

Learning To Let It Go

All my friends know how organised I like to be, I love a plan, and don’t like going into situations without having a clear picture of what to expect. My work often revolves around waiting for people to get back to me before I can spring into action. Having as much information as humanly possible makes me feel like I have done my part, It’s a way of my being in control of a situation. Having cancer has meant that I am seriously lacking control and plans can change at the drop of a hat. I often joke that I am borderline OCD, however this means I can get stressed easily, and it feels as if I am going around in circles most of the time. The thought of disease spreading throughout my body, and of having no control over it makes me feel physically sick and anxious. When people ask how I am, I’ll say I’m ok 90% of the time, because it’s too difficult to articulate my true feelings over brunch or a quick text catch-up.

Cancer is lonely and even with incredible amounts of support from family and friends it is still a huge challenge. I don’t want to be the friend that nobody wants to hang out with because they are always feeling negative, so I have tried to keep some things to myself over the past few weeks, in the hope I will help myself and others around me. I want to enjoy time with friends focussed on other subjects, the ones that ordinary twenty-somethings talk about.

Dealing with such a bad diagnosis out of the blue has taught me so much about others, seeing both the positive and the negative. I have learnt from my initial Stage 4 diagnosis back in 2010 that some people will be there no matter what, they will show you what it means to be a true friend. The good eggs will laugh and cry with you, and be there for you even if it means that they have to listen to the same story 100 times (we all know I love a rant). They will let you rant and rave about life even if they have something really important to say. They will make you four different types of tea just to make sure you have the one you want, they will sponsor your 10k charity race, run it with you, or cheer you on in the cold at the finish line. They will travel from far and wide to see you even when you tell them not to bother, and remember when you have your hospital appointments, even when they are living in another time zone. I am forever in debt to these friends. I have no idea how I would react if I was on the flip side, so this is a shout out to my awesome friends both near and far. Thank you!

A couple of weeks ago I received results from my latest PET CT scan, and luckily everything is currently stable. I didn’t tell many people that I was having the scan, as I was trying not to talk about it so much in order to focus on other things. Yay for Pembrolizumab! For now I keep going on the same drug regime and I will have another scan in around three months time.

I am going to learn to let go of what I can’t control, and focus on all the positive aspects of my life. I am still here aren’t I? I’m still alive, and by all accounts doing really well. That Princess from Frozen has got nothing on me!

The Benefits Of Blogging

I’ve never been much of a writer, or a reader for that matter. At school I wasn’t particularly academic and had to work really hard for my good grades. Over the last few months I have found blogging has really helped me, not only is it a great to update people on what is happening without feeling like I have to repeat myself, but some of my friends have also said it’s helped to give them a better understanding of my situation. 

I guess often bloggers really enjoy writing, I wouldn’t say I’m a natural, but I am finding it easier as time goes on, and hope to keep the blog going as long as I have enough interesting things to say. Having said that, If I was asked to read my writing in front of an audience, I would hate it, but if I was asked to write my thoughts for the same group, then I think it wouldn’t be an issue. I’m finding it a great outlet for my thoughts and feelings. 

Writing is now very therapeutic, and enables me to think more clearly and process my feelings more easily. As I write I’ve been feeling less anxious because I’ve been getting things off my chest. Just seeing my thoughts and feelings written down somehow validates them. My last blog post, My Greatest Fears was the most difficult one to write so far. 

Through blogging I have accomplished something, I am surviving and I am letting people know that I’m still here. 
The down side of writing, for me, is I often wake up the night thinking about my next post. Occaionally I get good ideas and I probably should write them down immediately, but I struggle to sleep as it is, so I just try to remember and write them down when I get up. An uninterrupted night’s sleep is hard enough to come by lately.

Six years ago I wouldn’t have dreamed of creating something so public, it took me about 5 and a half years to even contemplate the idea of creating a blog about my life. I have found that there are young people like me going through similar situations, just reading other stories has made me feel less isolated, and other opportunities have come up as a result. I ran the 10k London Winter Run for Cancer Research UK a couple of weeks ago with family and friends, and through my blog had the opportunity the stand on the podium at the start of the race, sharing my story with others in a very public way.

Since making my blog public last October it’s been viewed over 10,000 times! My writing has been read all over the world in more countries than I’ve managed to visit in my life. People have read my story in countries such as Albania, Iceland, Taiwan, Indian, Columbia and the Carribean. The power of the internet is incredible! Thank you to all those who’ve read and shared my story so far, I really appreciate it.