Trying To Live My Best Life

It’s well documented how hard a life with cancer can be for those going through it, however what seems to be less recognised is how hard life can be post treatment, not just from a mental health perspective, but emotionally and physically too. The past couple of weeks, for whatever reason, have felt especially challenging.

I am desperate to get on with my life and try to move forward, but having to balance this out with the expectation from others that I am doing amazingly makes it harder and harder to navigate. I’m forever living in an ‘in-between’ state from scan to scan. I am doing really well, but it’s not an instant ‘fix’.

Now I’ve been drug free for over six months I am slowly finding out what a life away from being a cancer patient is really like. I went to the GP yesterday for the first time in weeks, which feels strange considering my life revolved so heavily around doctors and hospitals appointments only a few months ago. Whilst this can only be a much needed and welcome change, it’s also been tricky to adjust to. I feel traumatised from the last 14 years of my life so it might take me at least another 14 to begin to move on.

I have been trying my best to take it easy, but also live life to the fullest as much as I can, and the two seem to juxtapose each other. It feels like I’ve been given a second chance in life I never thought possible but I’m not going to be skipping down the street in the rain anytime soon.

My friends would say that on the whole I am very positive, however it takes a lot of hard work to put my game face on. I still feel as though my life is restricted and will be short lived. I’m waiting for that lightbulb moment where the switch in my brain goes off and I start thinking otherwise, however I don’t know if it’ll ever happen, or if I’ll be able to find said switch.

I try my best not to think too much into the future, no one ever really knows what’s in store for them, and no future is ever mapped out to perfection. Recently I overheard a conversation on my commute with two people talking casually about future plans, which honestly made me feel scared for what may lie ahead. I still have the fear that I won’t be alive. I feel like I don’t know who I am without the cancer patient label. I attempt to push these thoughts to the back of my mind but it’s so hard, particularly when discussions such as this are frequent and often. The fear is what takes me to a dark place.

Over time I have learnt that nothing can ever be planned out like one would hope. I certainly don’t have a five year plan, It’s more like a five day plan to try and get through the working week and remain as sane as possible

A few weeks ago I finished my last counselling sessions and I currently don’t have any follow up lined up. I’m feeling ok right now, however I’m concerned about not having that outlet where I can fully speak my mind and not worry about judgement or upsetting others.

The phrase ‘Living My Best Life’ is thrown around so often, but for me this is it. This is the best it’ll get and it isn’t an Instagram worthy hashtag showing photos of me drinking cocktails on a beach. I feel like I am trying to balance on a unicycle, and if you know how challenged I am when it comes to riding a bike that department you’ll know just how difficult that is. Hopefully I’ll find a way to balance soon.

Melanoma Awareness Month

May is Melanoma Awareness Month, so I thought I would take an opportunity to write about the signs and symptoms. After all, it is the reason I write this blog in the first place.

For those who might not be aware, I was diagnosed with Stage 4 melanoma in September 2010 at the age of 23, having originally been diagnosed with Stage 1 melanoma five years earlier when I was 18. I am almost 32 and have been living with cancer the whole of my adult life. I initially began my blog to share my story and raise awareness, and since then I have appeared in numerous campaigns for cancer charities, featured in a BBC documentary A Time To Live and told my story in the Daily Mail’s You Magazine. I never have, and never will be a sun seeker, but my experience goes to show there is no discrimination when it comes to getting cancer.

When I was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer, everything felt very out of my control and I felt all my independence was taken away from me. Looking on the bright side, I’ve now been living with my diagnosis for almost 9 years, and in some ways I am stronger than ever. The experience has shaped my whole life, so unsurprisingly I talk and write about it a lot. I struggle with the mental and physical of my diagnosis on a daily basis and are a constant reminder of what I have been through.

Melanoma is a type of cancer that develops in the cells (melanocytes) that produce melanin, the pigment that gives skin its natural colour. Melanin helps to protect the body from UV radiation from the sun. According to the NHS website melanoma is the fifth most common cancer in the UK and there are around 13,500 new cases of melanoma are diagnosed each year. Stats also suggest that more than 2,000 people die every year in the UK from advanced melanoma, which is higher than I expected, although I’ve always been told not to look at the numbers.

Melanoma is caused by skin cells that begin to develop abnormally. Exposure to ultraviolet (UV) light from the sun is thought to cause most melanomas, but there’s also evidence to suggest that some may result from sunbed exposure too. In 2018, Melanoma UK launched a petition for the ban on sunbeds in the UK after a successful ban of commercial sunbeds in Australia. The skin is the bodies largest organ so it’s important to take care of it as best we can. The charity also recommend regular self examinations can help lead to an early diagnosis and in turn increase chances of successful treatment.

The most common sign of melanoma is the appearance of a new mole or a change in an existing mole which can occur anywhere on the body. In my case, I had a suspicious mole removed form my neck in 2005. The NHS website has a handy guide on what to look out for which is detailed below.

ABCDE

  • Asymmetry – the two halves of the area may differ in shape
  • Border – the edges of the area may be irregular or blurred, and sometimes show notches
  • Colour – this may be uneven. Different shades of black, brown and pink may be seen
  • Diameter – most melanomas are at least 6mm in diameter. Report any change in size, shape or diameter to your doctor
  • Elevation or enlargement – some melanomas increase in size and may then become raised above the surface of the skin. Sometimes the mole can remain the same size and the area around or under it can appear to swell.

Follow Melanoma UK on twitter to find out more about Melanoma Awareness Month. It’s not ‘just’ skin cancer.

A Spring In My Step

Over the past ten days I’ve started to notice a major change since the end of my cancer treatment. After approximately six months of being free from Immunotherapy, I’ve finally started to feel less fatigued, or at least I think I have!

I recently had a couple of weeks off work, which allowed for some much needed down time; it culminated in a trip to the Isle of Wight to see one of my friends get married. It was a fantastic weekend, full of sunshine and dancing and on the evening itself I didn’t get to bed until the early hours! I couldn’t tell you the last time that happened, and I’m not sure I could’ve done that a few months ago! The day after the wedding I felt exhausted, but in a different way to after hospital treatment. I felt really tired, but it certainly felt different to the extremely fatigued, glazed over sop-you-in-your-tracks feeling that I have been so used to. It was a great realisation that perhaps the long term effects of receiving cancer treatment might be fading slightly, therefore allowing me more room to breathe. Once I’d caught up on sleep, I felt really happy I’d danced the night away.

Despite feeling as though I have more of a spring in my step, I still feel broken by everything I have been through, and I know that feeling will never go away (or at least not easily). Over the past two years I’ve seen three different counsellors, had CBT and now take regular antidepressant medication and I am not sure my mental health will ever truly recover.

No matter how hard I try, I still have days where I am completely exhausted by the whole process of just living my life. It’s hard to navigate in this new world I’ve suddenly found myself in, I’m still baffled that I haven’t been to go to the GP in the past month. It’s literally blown my mind! This must be what other people feel like?!

I still live in constant fear of disease reoccurrence and I have frequent dreams about my demise, include finding out I have another brain tumour, or being in constant abdominal pain due to another bowel tumour. Sometimes I wake up and It takes me a moment to two to realise it wasn’t real after all. I don’t want cancer to define me, but it has been such a huge part of me that I am finding it hard to separate my life with cancer and my new regime without treatment. This is what I have dreamt and hoped for, but it’s much more difficult than I ever imagined it would be. I hope that in time I can start picking up the pieces of my shattered existence and start taking small steps forward again.

I haven’t written on much on my blog recently as I’ve been trying navigate in the new world I’ve recently found myself in, and hoped a blogging break  would help me to feel less like cancer is still ruling over my life. I do think it has helped, but I also find writing is a little like therapy, and helps in a similar way to my counselling sessions. 

I have a busy month ahead as I am due to celebrate another birthday in a couple of weeks. All birthdays are milestones for me, and I am very happy to be turning the glorious age of 32. My situation has changed beyond comprehension in my 31st year. Having been diagnosed with stage 4 melanoma with metastasis in my brain and my left lung at 23, it was a shock I made it to my 25th birthday, let alone my 30th a couple of years ago. I also never thought in a million years I’d seen the younger members in my family grow up, but two are about to enter into the adult world, and we had a new addition join our family at the end of last year, which has been life changing. These are life events I never thought I would be alive to see, and when I think about it, this makes me the happiest. I know I need to keep reminding myself of how far I’ve come and try to use this to my advantage.

I hope my energy levels continue to increase and get more plentiful as time goes on. I’ve already got the date for my next PET CT scan in July, so I am hoping and praying i continue to reap the rewards Pembrolizumab has offered me so far. 

The Power Of The Cancer Community

Over the past couple of weeks there has been a lot on social media about a recent campaign by Marks and Spencer and Fashion Targets Breast Cancer to help raise awareness and funds for breast cancer research. It certainly raised a few eyebrows and the general feeling was it massively missed the mark. Understandably, there have been many people speaking out about this on social media.

Marks and Spencer are donating 30% of the purchase price of tote bags and t-shirts to help raise vital funds for Breast cancer research. That’s no small change, however It appears that on this occasion they seem to have painted a unrealistic image of cancer through the media, including the use of celebrities in their campaign, and have been criticised for completely missing the opportunity to use real women living with cancer in the campaign, of which there are so many spreading such valuable messages on Instagram.

I do agree with this in part, however we cannot tell if someone has been affected by cancer just by the way they look, I am a stage 4 patient who was having immunotherapy every 3 weeks until very recently, but I look well on the outside. The same goes for the celebrities, perhaps they have friends or family members who have been unfortunate enough to be diagnosed with cancer. Part of me believes that If seeing one of the Marks and Spencer adverts, or even an instagram post from a celebrity about the campaign means women pay attention to their bodies and it gets people talking, then they have done something positive.

I agree the slogans ‘two is stronger than one’ and ‘good things come in twos’ are insensitive and could have been thought out better. It’s clear the campaign has caused offence and upset, which was not the intention at all. It would seem this does not translate well when you’ve had a mastectomy, whatever the intention, and I don’t blame people for being upset.

Marks and Spencer are raising money for a hugely important and valuable cause and sadly, I feel the message of this campaign has been lost with all the commotion. The campaign invites people to dress in solidarity, and champions strong friendship. They missed the mark, but I believe this is a good catalyst for a better conversation about these sort of campaigns, and fingers crossed it is something that is considered better in the future.

After the initial backlash, Marks and Spencer then posted patient stories on social media and on the Fashion Targets Breast Cancer website. I agree that they should have led with these stories in the first place as it feels more powerful.

The campaign seems to have fulled some fire about breast cancer getting a lot of coverage in the media compared with other types of cancer. I am not sure why this has all become a game of ‘which cancer is worse’. All cancer is horrific, it is awful no matter what stage you are diagnosed. Yes I’d like other cancers to get awareness, I know charities like Melanoma UK don’t get enough attention, and I’d certainly like to see more information out there about other cancers too, but it doesn’t mean the funds and research for breast cancer charities are any less important.

This was a prime example of the strength and impact social media can have, and the campaign has led to the development of True Cancer Bodies a patient led campaign that put all cancers at the heart of its message. Seriously well done to all those involved! Of the 20 people in the campaign many different types of cancer were represented,  including breast, bowel, liver, lung, colon cancer and Hodgkin’s lymphoma. The aim is to enlighten the public as to what cancer really looks like, and I think they have done a great job.

I’ve always said that having cancer is like being in a members only club you don’t want to be part of, but this has shown how the cancer community has come together to try to make change for the better, so long may it continue.

When No News Is Good News

A few weeks ago I had my first PET CT scan since adopting a ‘watch and wait’ approach to my cancer treatment earlier in January. Although I had to wait almost a month to see my consultant for the results, I am thrilled to report that all has remained stable.

I feel like this a major hurdle I’ve somehow manage to navigate. Naturally, every scan makes me anxious and scared, but this felt different as It was first time in years I’ve had a scan whilst off treatment. It’s the first time since I stopped doing anything to help my melanoma remain stable. No longer doing my bit by going for Immunotherapy is hard to get my head around, but as they say, no news is good news.

I am still feeling very fatigued, but as many people have pointed out to me I have an active social life and a busy full time job, so there is no doubt in my mind these are contributing factors. Often it feels like 10 hours of sleep a night is not nearly enough, so I probably need to reign it in a bit. It’s hard to find the time to see friends, family and work a 40 hour week, but I often feel like others around me manage it! I know my next few weekends are quiet and I have some annual leave coming up soon which is a blessing as I can spend some much needed time chilling out, watching Netflix, getting up late and doing small things like sorting out my wardrobe, and putting photos from my summer holiday trips to America and Thailand on my laptop and getting some printed; something I’ve promised myself I’d do for months, but I’ve never felt I had the time.

I’ve also been relatively quite on my blog of late as I’ve tried to settle in to my ‘new normal’ and readjust to my routine (or what feels like a lack of routine altogether!) and in all honesty, I’ve been too tired when I get home from work to write a post when I don’t feel I’ve too much to say. I’m just trying to get on with my life, which is a good thing, and exactly what my Oncology team have been telling me I need to do.

I’ll be celebrating today’s win with an early night and attempt to carry on my ‘new normal’ life until my next scan in the summer.

Mind Your Language

More often than not it’s difficult for people to find the right words to say to friends and loves ones who have cancer. It’s not easy to work out the right thing to say and sometimes it can come out wrong and offend people, even with the best intentions at heart.

Macmillan Cancer Support recently launched a campaign on their Facebook page to help raise awareness of the language used when speaking about cancer, in the hope to start a conversation and make it easier for those in the cancer community.

Even though I can often use this language myself it can prove problematic. I am not ‘brave’ because I have cancer, I have no choice in the matter, and I didn’t decide on the path my life has taken. It’s not something I would have gone into voluntarily, and trying to stay alive is not a choice. It’s isn’t as though I am picking if I should have jam or peanut butter on my toast in the morning.

People telling me to ‘keep positive’ implies I am not allowed to show how scared I am, and therefore show weakness. I’ve been trying my best to positive for years, but do moments of sadness show that I am weak and negative? It took me a long time to accept I needed help in the form of antidepressants, and I think part of that is the expectation that just being positive would be enough to help me through. News flash: cancer doesn’t care if I am positive, or anyone else for that matter. Cancer doesn’t discriminate. Yes, It doesn’t wonders for my mental health to be in a good frame of mind, but this suggests those with negative mindsets die from cancer, or their symptoms will progress, and if a person keep positive they will one day walk free. Are the people who live the only ones that fight hard enough to stay alive? Wrong.

I am positive the majority of the time, but I have stage 4 cancer and there is no chance I will live my life without this burden, and I continue to learn to live with it as best I can. I am just getting on with my life, going to work, coming home and attempting to be normal (whatever that is!). I am doing the best I can, but sometimes the language used suggests I am just not trying hard enough!

I don’t look like a typical cancer patient and present; I have my own hair and am able to hide my portacath and surgery scars easily. When I explain my situation to new people they often seem shocked, maybe I don’t look ill enough to be a cancer patient? Especially a stage 4 cancer patient who has metastatic cancer that has spread to multiple organs. What does cancer look like anyway? Its not like an identity parade to spot a criminal. I don’t look disabled but I have a free bus pass and monthly disability benefits just the same as others who have a physical disability.

I might look well on the outside, but looks can be deceiving, so I always try keep in mind that I shouldn’t judge a book by its cover, you never know what’s happening underneath. If someone looks tired I’ll try to ask them what they’ve been up to, rather than tell them they look like they’ve not slept for days, it doesn’t aways help to be told you look crap!

I am not annoyed at others for saying something that might come across as insensitive, it’s not exactly straight forward and it all depends how I feel on any given day. Macmillan’s aim is to help change the way cancer is spoken about to make it better for those going through it. In the time is taken me to write this post I’ve seen two of their support adverts on television, so well done to Macmillan for continuing to raise awareness and helping others avoid a classic case of foot in mouth!

Fighting Fatigue

Since Christmas, I’ve noticed I’m in need of more sleep, perhaps In part it’s the cold winter weather and dark mornings, however I feel I have been fighting fatigue more than ever recently. It’s not ideal given that I had a chemo break over the new year, and in theory I should be feeling more awake and energised than usual.

I long for the day when I wake up and actually feel revitalised and refreshed from catching my z’s, rather than feeling like however much I sleep I get it’s never going to be enough. At the weekend I slept for 11 and a half hours, only to wake up get washed and dressed and go back to sleep. I’d slept for nine and a half hours the previous night so I can’t blame it on a lack of sleep the night before.

Everyone always tells me to listen to my body, but right now I feel as though it’s constantly running on empty without a way to refuel? Sometimes I’m so shattered that I practically spend a whole day in bed, I worry that I’m wasting the day away, this precious time whilst I am ‘healthy’ but feel like I have no choice! It is so frustrating being chronically tired, I think it often adds to my depression and negative feelings.

I’ve learnt there is a lot of power in taking a nap, but it’s certainly not the fatigue beating cure I’m searching for. Perhaps it makes things worse? Recently I’ve been going to bed around 9pm and sleeping for as long as physically possible, by the time 4pm comes around at work I feel like a zombie, struggling to keep my eyes open, I am done for the day and in need of a sugar hit to keep me going. At the weekends naps and a must, and I wonder how on earth I manage Monday – Friday without them. I sometimes wish my office had a little room where I could go and lie down for an hour.

Often, even though I’m exhausted, I have nights where my worries keep me awake and it’s difficult to settle, which make the following day even worse. Tiredness affects me both mentally and physically, and it can be really isolating as I am always envious of others who seem to have boundless amounts of energy. I often end up postponing or cancelling plans because I simply don’t have the energy. Having spent the past four and half years on treatment I don’t think I know what being awake and refreshed feels like anymore. I thought I’d gotten used to feeling this way but perhaps not if that past few weeks are anything to go by.

I know that keeping active can really help reduce tiredness, but it can also make me more exhausted, so I feel like I can’t win. Hopefully it’ll pass as the days get longer and lighter. I’m bored of being physically, emotionally and mentally tired.

Blue Monday

According to reports, a combination of bad weather, post-Christmas financial struggles and failed new year’s resolutions make today the most depressing day of the year, aka Blue Monday. This is the day when we as a nation are supposedly the most miserable; the nights and long and the days are dark, and its still a week until pay day! Understandably, all these factors contribute to feeling a bit low at this time of year, however I read that the term was originally made up by a travel company as a gimmick to sell summer holidays a few years ago. Interesting!

As my treatment cycle takes place on a Monday, I’ve had my fair share of my own Blue Mondays over the past few years. My low feelings are not dictated by a formula, or specific date in the calendar so I’m not sure Blue Monday is as legit and some make it out to be, however it can only be a good thing if it encourages people to talk about feelings and therefore acts a chance to break down stigma and in turn raise awareness of mental health issues. I’ve made no secret of my struggles over the past few years, but more specifically over the last 18 months.

I’ve not written a blog post since the start of January, mainly because I haven’t felt like I’ve got much to say, but I’m also consciously trying to cut down on my technology and social media use, particularly during the working week. While social media is an incredible tool, sometimes aimlessly scrolling through apps doesn’t help my my mental state, and I am sure I am not alone in that. It’s certainly not one to help on a Blue Monday! As I wrote my previous post Goals For 2019, I am trying to shift the focus to doing more of the things I enjoy, such a cooking and socialising.

Yesterday I made two dishes for the week; a leek, potato and pea soup from a recipe by Jamie Oliver, and Deliciously Ella’s warming winter curry recipe. My week feels more manageable if I’ve done some prep which means I don’t have to come home and think about what to cook for dinner. I find the working week tiring enough! I’ve enjoyed doing a bit more baking recently and I also made some very questionable looking (but very tasty) cinnamon rolls. Baking was about the only activity I took part in when I was living back at home after I had my first operations to remove an brain tumour and lung tumour around eight years ago. It was something creative I could do without the need leave the house. Encouraged by my family, baking a cake gave me a goal to aim for and I found solace in this solo activity. The first recipe book I was a given was the Hummingbird Bakery Cookbook and I’ve gather a collection of books over the years, from Mary Berry, 15 Minute Meals to Part-Time Vegetarian to name a few. For Christmas I was given two new books, New York Cult Recipes and The Little Swedish Kitchen.

As well as being organised for the week ahead I’m going to go for a walk this morning to go to a local cafe on my way to the gym before going home to work. Nothing says Happy Monday more that a nice little treat too start the week. I know there will be plenty more Blue Mondays and down days to come, so making the most of the good days when I feel well in myself is really important.

Goals For 2019

I am not really a fan of new year, and setting resolutions, let’s be real, Its probably not going to happen, so why am I pretending! Like many years, I just hope I’ll be well enough to see the next one in! I have problems which I know cannot be solved, and trying to force myself to be someone new just because it’s a new year isn’t going to make those problems disappear.

I came across the below quote on instagram the other day and thought it summed up perfectly exactly what I should be focussing on over the next year and beyond.

“So, what if, instead of thinking about solving your whole life, you just think about adding additional good things. One at a time. Just let your pile of good things grow.”

2018 has been a year with some huge highs but also some massive lows. I think the whole ‘coming of age’ thing has been a huge part of my insecurities and I have really struggled with my mental health. As each year begins, I start to worry about the year ahead, and the challenges life may throw at me, both with or without cancer. It’s hard enough being a single 30 something trying to get by in life without having a serious illness to contend with. I have a GP appointment next week, followed by pre treatment bloods and then I am back in for chemotherapy mid-January. Although a Christmas break is much needed, it doesn’t take much for the focus to shift back to the dreaded C word. I’ve come up with a short list of things I am going to try and do to make life seem a little less daunting each day, just taking some time for myself to focus on non-cancer related successes or key moments. Not a resolution which will no doubt be broken, but key things to try and help me live my life as well and happily as I can.

Make regular lists of things that make me feel happy…and do more of them

This could be something small like going out for brunch with a friend or family member, calling a friend I’ve not seem or spoken to in a while, or going out for a walk and getting some fresh air. If I make a list then I hope I’ll put more effort into doing them again because i know they bring me joy. I used to be a huge theatregoer, having graduated with a drama degree before my stage 4 diagnosis, but I could count on one hand the amount of times I’ve been to the theatre (non work related) in 2018, and feel so out of the loop with what is happening in theatre land, even though I practically work in the West End. I need to put more of a focus on doing things for myself, no matter how small they may seem. I love the theatre so I want to try and add this as one of my additional good things over the next year. Not doing this seemingly obvious things makes me feel like I’ve lost my way slightly and in turn lost a bit of my personality. Do shout if anyone has any good theatre recommendations, both London and beyond.

Spend time with supportive people

It’s important for everyone to be around good people, or in situations where there is a lot of support. We need radiators and not drains in our life, a good friend of mine uses this analogy often and it really hits the nail on the head. Radiators are those who give warmth, those who gave something back to others. They naturally have their own problems and situations where they need support, but generally, seeing them, or interacting with them is a hugely positive experience. For me, these are the ones who lift me up and listen, those who make me feel better about the injustice of the world. Drains are the opposite; those who drain energy and take more from the friendship than they give and don’t always listen to others.

Be grateful

No matter how hard it seems we all have something to be grateful for, even on the darkest of days. I went on amazing holidays in 2018, which I am hugely grateful for. My trips in 2019 will be much smaller scale, but it was completely worth it and the experience will stay with me. Apparently those who take time to notice and reflect upon the things they’re thankful for can experience more positive emotions, it’s a no brainier really. Focus on the good! Being grateful doesn’t need to be reserved for big occasions, but simple daily activities that bring joy. Part of this also includes thinking more carefully about my use of social media, and be sure to use it for good, rather than comparing my life and my successes and failures to people online and feeling bad about it. I must remember I survived the last year and I am grateful for that. My ultimate goal is to stay alive!

Here’s to 2019!

Another Year With Cancer

Another year seems to have gone by in a flash! Christmas 2018 is upon us and I’ve been thinking about everything that has happened over the past year.

In some ways in been a quiet year in cancer terms, I recently had my 41st cycle of Pembrolizumab and all remains calm on that front. Luckily I have a break built in over the holidays and I am not due back at Leicester Royal Infirmary until mid January. Hooray!

My scan results in early December indicated all remains stable, which is fabulous news. It doesn’t mean I’m cured of cancer, or that I’m in remission, however it shows how amazing Immunotherapy is and that things are continuing to move in the right direction. I know my fourteenth year with Melanoma will continue to challenge and surprise me, but hopefully I can turn this in to more of a positive.

In the last twelve months there have been some highs (trips of a lifetime, new family members) and some lows (feeling overwhelming sadness for the life I feel I’ve lost, getting major FOMO, feeling left out and generally feeling not good enough for others). The stability of my mental health has been hugely challenging, and there have been multiple times where I’ve felt I had control of life; only to realise that I couldn’t be further away from feeling in control and it actually feels as though my whole world has come crashing down around me. Even as recently as last week! I haven’t felt as bad as this since I was first told I had a brain tumour over eight years ago. With another year looming I’ve began to worry about the year ahead, and the challenges living with cancer might throw at me. No amount of therapy or medication will make this disappear, but it’s slowly making things a bit easier. I know that I will have to continue combating my anxiety and depression in 2019 no matter what life throws at me.

In truth, I’ll never quite get my Christmas miracle of a cure for stage 4 cancer, but I can still dream. Deep down what really matters is spending time with family and people I care about during the holidays. Last January I started a full time job alongside chemo, and it’s meant down time has been less of a feature in 2018. That crazy thing is, I did it! I held down a full time job whilst having treatment for twelves months and I am determined this will follow through into next year and beyond. Often I don’t feel as that I have many ‘successes’ so to speak, but If I had to pick something I am most proud of in the last year, that would almost certainly be it.

As ever I’m apprehensive about the next 12 months and hoping it’ll be peaceful and calm.

Wishing everyone a Merry Christmas and a very Happy New year!