The Beauty Of Friendship

I’ve always known how important my friends are, but the last few weeks have highlighted just how lucky I am to have a solid cohort of friends behind me.

I am lucky to have spent last weekend with some of my oldest friends, and no matter how much times passes our friendships remain intact. We may not see each other often, but we are still there for each other in times of need (thank goodness for mobile phones and what’s app).

The vast majority of my friends are well and truly settle down and some have children too. I am very aware I’m a fair few stages behind when it comes to these matters and I always count my cancer diagnosis as part of the reason for this. It’s shaped who I am today, much like my friends own experiences, but ultimately we still have a close bond.

The great thing about our friendship is that we love and respect each other, even if we don’t always have the same opinions. We don’t all have the same interests either; I love theatre, eating out, and travelling, but I am not a fan of Love Island, and it doesn’t matter. As teenagers we had similar interests, such as being old enough to go out in town and go drinking for the first time, it was fun at the time but as adults we embrace our differences. I prefer to stay in and watch Netflix than go out to a bar, and that’s ok too. We’ve learnt to embrace our differences, and it’s probably one of the reasons we have stayed friends, each to their own after all! We are all individuals however together we work. I am lucky to have many friends from my school days, some that have stayed in the midlands and other who live close by in London. I was also lucky to find some wonderful friends and University too, as well as in the various jobs I’ve done since graduating.

In the last month I have caught up with two friends who have visited the UK from Australia, one from Japan and two from America. These are not people who are in my life of a daily basis, and I met them and different times during my life, but despite the distance they are frequently in my thoughts. We communicate as often as we can, sending long updates about life via what’s app it that occasional Skype call.

I often wonder where in the world I would be be without these people? Nothing compares friends getting together for a good catch up full of laughter, and last weekend was no exception.

True friends are those you can be 100% honest with, and they still like you anyway despite what they know. These friends are people you can sit in silence with for hours and it not be awkward. These are the ones who will be with you during the best and worst times and lift you up when you are in a bad place. I’ve had my fair share of rough rides and I am eternally grateful to those people.

Some friends are relatively new ones, but they are just as important to me.  During an average week I spend more of my time and work and socialising with friends than seeing family which makes friendship (and of course family) so key to my overall happiness. I feel fortunate that I have those I can confide in, act like counsellors, and overall support systems. I am always trying my best to be a good friend in return.

Whilst I await my next PET CT scan results I am forever grateful to my wonderful friends for keeping me sane.

Learning To Love Myself

I feel like I am under a constant storm of clouds right now, just trying to stay dry whilst chaos ensues around me. I’ve finally caught the cold I seem to always be on the edge of and I also have a chest infection so I’m feeling a little sorry for myself this week. I’ve been spending as much time as possible in bed, where I finished this post I’ve been working on for the past four days. Still, I’ve got a weekend away to look forward to which I am very excited about! I just want to feel well; like when I wake up in the morning I can tackle the day ahead, rather than struggle to get out of bed. Hopefully a dose of antibiotics will do the trick!

It’s been a year since I wrote my blog post Singles Awareness Day. As I am sure we are all aware, today is February 14th aka Valentines Day; this is a day when everyone focuses on love, relationships, red roses and pink heart shape gifts. Perhaps, if you are like me it makes you focus on the lack of the above.

The suggestion is always that one needs to be happy in themselves before looking for love. It’ll probably always be a challenge for me to learn to be truly happy and love myself (scars and all) before I can let my barriers down and let anyone else in. I need to feel better from the inside out, I’ve neglected myself a lot over the years and this needs to change. It’s not going to happen over night, but if I’m not happy in myself, I’m certainly not going to let a man get close to me. If I don’t feel proud of my achievements, how will anyone else? Self love sounds very cheesy, but if I cannot see the positives in myself others around me won’t either.

At 31, if you’re not settled down It appears as a society we question it. I think others must think there is something wrong with me, but there is! I have incurable stage 4 cancer! I still have single friends, but increasingly couples are settling down, moving house and starting families. Days like Valentines Day serve as a constant reminder I’m not at the same stage in life. My successes (staying well, managing to work full time) are not the same as my peers, these are a given for 90% of those around me, they are just ‘the norm’ for others. I’ve been told multiple times over the years that I am ‘not the norm’ and boy do I feel that now!

It’s time to stop being so harsh on myself, to stop judging; and stop putting myself under the microscope of never ending scrutiny. There is no point in comparing my life to that of my peers, we aren’t in the same place, and it’s not a competition.

It would be nice to feel like a relationship could be possible one day. As I always say, I would’ve liked the choice, but I feel its been taken away from me with my diagnosis. I know it’s even more unlikely if I don’t make some changes to my attitude. I’d admire the ‘like it lump it’ and ‘this is me’ attitudes of other cancer patients I follow on social media, but it’s just not me.

Perhaps I’ve met a man I could be with, but I’ve been too busy keeping barriers up and focussing on my health that I haven’t even noticed? The idea having a relationship still feels so unlikely; like a fictional version of my life that will never really play out into reality. Who knows! Despite how positive things are looking In terms of my treatment I feel deep down no one wants to be with a terminal cancer patient. In the back of my mind I feel I don’t deserve it because my cancer status doesn’t make me a worthy candidate.

To be honest, I wouldn’t even know where to begin. For the past nine years I’ve put my body through so much; including multiple operations and some brutal treatment options which have multiple side effects. Each leave their own harsh physical and mental scars and often it is too much to deal with.

In order to move forward I need to accept what I’ve been through, and hopefully learn to be happy in myself first and foremost. I am a huge worrier, I am am not sure I can be truly happy and content in myself when I often feel my body is trying to kill me.

Every day I panic things will take a bad turn again. Cancer has magnified fears I didn’t have before, however It’s goes without saying that it has also highlighted the strength I can find within to keep going. I must stop beating myself up over my diagnosis and worrying I could have changed things. In this instance it doesn’t always feel like time is a healer!

Here’s to waking up tomorrow and feeling more over the weather than under it! And a happy goodbye to the Valentines gifts and paraphernalia for another year.

“Self-love is not selfish. You cannot truly love another until you know how to love yourself”

The Travel Bug 

Over the past 12 months I have been abroad numerous times,  and have certainly been bitten by the travel bug. My 2016 trips have included a holiday to the USA to visit Austin, San Francisco and Minneapolis last January, and various weekends away to European cities, including Lisbon, Gothenburg, Berlin and Venice. I have been trying to visit as many cities as possible whilst I feel able, and I’ve enjoyed some wonderful adventures with amazing friends.

Sadly, I didn’t go travelling during my ill planned gap year. In retrospect, I wish that I had, but I can’t change the decisions that I made, or didn’t make, at 18. I could not imagine the path which lay ahead of me then. I assumed that I would have many more opportunities to go away and see the World. Nowadays there are numerous obstacles which prevent me from going on trips which are more adventurous than the Eurostar to Bruges, but just being able to escape for the weekend is good enough for me. It would seem that the World may no longer be my oyster, but hopefully Europe will be for a good while longer.

I am keen to make good memories whilst my health is not completely against me. It probably appears to others as though I do too much, which is often the case, but I am trying to squeeze as much as I can before I’m unable. I know some places are now no go zones, where I’d be likely to pick up a bug of some sort even if I was a 100% healthy person. I think Egypt is out of the question as well as a fair few others, but you never know what the future may hold. Being faced with my own mortality had certainly made me look at things in a very different way.

I have spent far too much time in bed recovering from operations, or just being generally too exhausted to move to last me a life time. I need rest but do not want to look back and wish that I had done so much more. There have been times over the years when I have been unable to get out of bed, or been in too much pain to to put on a t-shirt, or even brush my hair.  Of course, working part time has certainly had an impact on my travel wish list, but budget airlines like Ryanair and EasyJet make it possible, even if for just one night in Copenhagen with school friends. Who is going to turn down £16.99 flights each way?

If anyone knows of any good travel insurance companies who don’t run a mile when they hear the words ‘Cancer’ and ‘Stage 4’, then I would love to receive some tips or pointers. I cannot take out insurance without declaring anything as this would be void should I actually have an issue which needed addressing. I am now in a position I cannot risk anything, I could fall ill at any time, and I need reassurance and peace of mind that I’m covered for any eventuality.

From what I can gather from online research it seems to be impossible to get travel insurance for America, so I doubt if  I will be going there again anytime soon. I have travelled to a fair few states, so it is a shame that I feel that I am unable to return. It wouldn’t be a great place to be if my health took a bad turn. I just need to remember that I was lucky enough to be able to go in the first place.

Here’s to more adventures in 2017! I’ve planned trips to Lille, Warsaw and Rome so far, but new suggestions are always welcome.